Men vs. Women

So much truth. A few standup routines that entertained me this week. Main theme? Men vs. women. Enough said.

Can you adopt me, Elon?

Dad? Friends? Besties? xoxo

The Secret to Happiness

Why are you so funny, Jim Jefferies? Obsessively watching his standup and show. Can't stop laughing.

Existential Despair

"Let each one learn what he can; both of us can learn that a person’s unhappiness never lies in his lack of control over external conditions, since this would only make him completely unhappy." ― Søren Kierkegaard 

As Kierkegaard defines it in Either/Or: "Let each one learn what he can; both of us can learn that a person’s unhappiness never lies in his lack of control over external conditions, since this would only make him completely unhappy."^[37] In Works of Love, he said:

When the God-forsaken worldliness of earthly life shuts itself in complacency, the confined air develops poison, the moment gets stuck and stands still, the prospect is lost, a need is felt for a refreshing, enlivening breeze to cleanse the air and dispel the poisonous vapors lest we suffocate in worldliness. ... Lovingly to hope all things is the opposite of despairingly to hope nothing at all. Love hopes all things—yet is never put to shame. To relate oneself expectantly to the possibility of the good is to hope. To relate oneself expectantly to the possibility of evil is to fear. By the decision to choose hope one decides infinitely more than it seems, because it is an eternal decision. pp. 246–50

Just reading about Existential Despair on a Wednesday morning. Can't help but feel the need to address the human condition and my own internal struggles. This comes from the desire to live an authentic life, but there are so many obstacles that get in the way. I need to read and re-read Kierkegaard's quote to fully understand this notion. Maybe humans are just unhappy knowing how meaningless life is. Is life getting more meaningless by the day? I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I'm really trying to search for answers here. Existential despair is a little heavy for first thing in the morning reading.

I am going through an existential crisis, but it's not as bad as it was earlier this year. Earlier, I was going through a very dark time that led me to reading a lot about the below. I'm not sure at the time if it really helped me to know more about the effects of major sleep deprivation or prolonged isolation. It may have heightened the feeling of loneliness and lack of purpose even more. Now I know that I had to go through that and get to where I am at this point of my life. If I didn't go through those months of despair, I wouldn't have arrived at this moment of despair. Life will always be full of despair, but that's how you learn to appreciate the good things.

An existential crisis may result from, be misdiagnosed as, or be comorbid with:^{[citation needed]}

• Major depressive disorder
• Major sleep deprivation
• Prolonged isolation
• Dissatisfaction with one's life
• Major psychological trauma
• The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
• A new-found grasp or appreciation of one's mortality, perhaps following diagnosis of a major health concern such as a terminal illness;
• Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning;
• Searching for the meaning of life;
• Shattering of one's sense of reality, or how the world is;
• An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;
• Realizing that the Universe is more complex, mysterious, larger and beyond current human understanding;

There are so many good things in life and my own life. I choose to prioritize the good things and I choose to be a good person. I want to make good choices, in order to avoid "drama". I've realized that I don't believe in Karma wholeheartedly, because life is just too random. Sometimes I fear that I believe in nothing, yet I'm trying so hard to assign meaning to the universe. There are so many signs, but sometimes I'm scared to think there is a meaning behind that sign. I want to believe that the universe is listening to me. I do believe in cause and effect, because the universe needs to be governed by something. We can't rely on luck to help us get to our destination.

Am I ready to go out into the world today? Knowing I am responsible for giving meaning to life, living life passionately, sincerely and authentically and that everything else around me is beyond my control. I just have to accept life as it is and rise above it and live it. All I can do is to continue to live consciously, confidently, compassionately, courageously.

Today will be a good day. 
This is why life is worth living.
Fuck despair.

I saw a tree…

I saw a tree that was greater than all others
and hung full of cones out of reach;
I saw a tall church with open door
and all who came out were pale and strong
and ready to die;
I saw a woman who smiling and rouged
threw dice for her luck
and saw she had lost.
A circle was drawn around these things
that no one crosses over. 

Poems (1916), by Edith Södergran

祝君好

I'm crying here.

TVB had some incredible TV shows when I was growing up as an impressionable child in the '90s and early 2000s. Namely Return of the Cuckoo (十月初五的月光). These shows were pretty cheesy, but I grew up with these shows, it helped me learn Cantonese and all these ideas about love. Maybe they screwed me up, but I can't blame them for giving me unrealistic ideas of love. Love is too broad, vast, universal. Every experience of love is unique and I've learned to accept that.

Recently, I've been obsessively listening to Cantopop, because I'm going back to Hong Kong next week. This time next week I'll be on a plane for 18 hours. I'm really looking forward to being home, to be with my family for an extended period of time. I get to see friends and discover more of Hong Kong. I feel really blessed to spend this chapter of my life surrounded by the people I love and who love me. Hong Kong is my home, but it's also not, because I've never lived or worked there. I want to fall madly in love with Hong Kong. I can't wait.

This year has been a rollercoaster ride. A few ups and mostly downs, then a major up starting in October. In fact, it all started in November 2015. I've managed to turn it around. Slowly, I'm finding my way and I'll be able to pave a clear path for myself. I've been trying really hard to live courageously, but it turns out that I was living passively. I was mostly observing others and living vicariously through others and not being an active participant in my own life. It's pretty ironic, since I made a short film called Shyness, which is a reminder to live consciously. Well, I've been failing miserably my whole life, but I know it's never too late to be bold, to make a change, to take action.

I've decided to make a conscious decision to live courageously. I think the moment I allowed myself to take action in certain aspects of my life, it empowered me tremendously. Sometimes you take a leap of faith and it pays off immediately. Sometimes you fall flat on your face, but you still pick yourself up, because you're an independent, self sufficient human being. I don't need to be rescued per se, but it's good to know that you have people in your life that you can count on. Life can be particularly lonely, if you don't have special people in it. I would know. I'll save that for another day.

I just want to know that I'm a good human and at the end of the day, I'll look back and know that.

NO MATTER WHAT

With moments SPARKED by freedoms glow
SHE LIVES floated on moments
Along a river OF mindful grace
Hydrating THE MOST DISTANT lover's eye
with visions to achieve
the depths OF HER minds every creation
and hearts one desire:
To live IN LOVE WITHIN and all around
NO MATTER WHAT

I love a beautiful story and inspiration behind a fragrance. I've fallen head over heels in love with NO MATTER WHAT by Nana de Bary. NO MATTER WHAT aims at creative women who carry inspiration in their hearts; those of independent spirit and unwavering willpower.

That's me. I will continue to live my life with independent spirit and unwavering willpower, because I know life is worth living.

Fly Me To The Moon

Oh, it's often used many words
To say a simple thing
It takes thought and time
And rhyme to make a poem sing

With music and words
I've been playing
For you, I have written a song
To be sure that you know
What I'm saying, I'll translate
As I go along

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Mistakes, Missteps, Mishaps = Life

"What did you make today?" Mistakes.

I realized that I've been way too hard on myself for all these years. I realized that I will make mistakes in life, because I am human. We all make mistakes. I have always made myself feel like shit for making mistakes, like there is no excuse for it. It would ruin my day completely, but now I've come to the conclusion that making mistakes is a good thing. It teaches us to fix them and/or never to repeat them. I am referring to mistakes that don't involve crime, violence, murder, manslaughter, etc.

As a "normal" member of society (excluding zero remorse murderers, criminals, abusers, etc.), we make mistakes in life: at our job, with friends, with family, with lovers, but hopefully nothing in life is irrevocable. We should always strive to do the right thing. I know I've made some mistakes and I wish I could apologize for them and rectify them, but sometimes time heals things and maybe an apology is not necessary anymore. I would hope my true friends will forgive me for any mistakes or pain I may have caused (by accident, never intentionally).

Some bonds are stronger than pain, anguish, sadness, misery, but some bonds may need to be severed. The last few months have taught me to distinguish between the two. Some bonds will last a lifetime and those are the bonds I will cherish forever. This year was the most challenging year of my life. I didn't imagine that it would be more challenging than 2016. This year saw the biggest dip I've ever had in my life. Imagine the financial crash of 1987 or 2007-2008, but it was an emotional crash. I saw some dark times and had to deal with them with little to no help at all. It was a rough period, but I managed to get myself out of it.

Every time I get myself out of it, it almost seems like a miracle. But the crashes have been getting harder and the down period lasts so much longer. It's an inner turmoil, as well as what's happening externally. What was happening in my career or job, what was/is happening in the world and this country. I had to turn away from social media to escape the constant barrage of information. All this "fake news" business; it was just sensory overload. No wonder I crashed. As an ENFJ, I need time to recharge my energy, because I had completely drained it to negative 75%. It took months and months to recharge and feel like a partial human again.

It was a terribly lonely time, but I made it through. I guess the older we get, the harder it gets and once you get a grip, it may become easier in certain aspects. But on the flip side, we may start to feel it in our bodies. Getting aches in places and our brain functionality may start to slow down, etc. That's another stress that weighs heavily on my mind. I've managed to convince myself that I'm not afraid of getting older, but that's a lie. Not only am I afraid of death, I'm afraid of the aging process. I'm afraid of failing organs and failing memory. One day, my life could become a blur. Watch Still Alice and you will feel the pain that (early-onset) Alzheimer's causes.

I'm obsessing now. It's never too late to get healthy: to eat well, drink more water, sleep a healthy 7-8 hours, exercise (that is key), stretch and get active, take supplements, meditate and just enjoy life. I may be a bit of a hypochondriac, but I'm also someone who loves life and will dare to jump and fall face flat. Because life is too short and if I never do anything risky, I may never know the feeling of success and reward. I'm always willing to take a leap of faith and I'm ready. I'm ready for you, universe. Life is complicated, but we can't be too upset when we make mistakes.

Own them and be proud of them,
They shape who we are. 
If you think about it, we're all here by accident. 
What a beautiful and poetic way to view life. 
What did you make today?
Mistakes!
#whyislifeworthliving

Right Now

"And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" ― Kurt Vonnegut 

"To die... before the harvest. The crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat. Wheat. All there is in life is wheat.... Oh, wheat! Lots of wheat! Fields of wheat! A tremendous amount of wheat... Yellow wheat. Red wheat. Wheat with feathers. Cream of wheat."

Thursday, November 9th, 2017 was one of the most special days of my life. I will cherish it as long as my brain is functioning! Sometimes you must exclaim and express it when you're feeling this way. The feelings are strong! Never let this feeling fade, please. Life is happening right now. It's in constant motion. It's fleeting. It's slipping through our fingers and we just want this moment to last forever. Well, nothing lasts forever, but I think a feeling can linger.

Shall I delude myself or just accept the fact that life is out of my control? Whatever happens in my life or in life in general, I will always remind myself to stop and notice when I am happy and exclaim at the top of my lungs 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.' I feel really happy and grateful beyond words. This is the type of high that I live for, this is what makes life worth living.

Right now.

Sometimes you must dare to jump

"When was the last time you got hurt?"

Physically or emotionally? Well, last night, I had the most epic fall. Let me rewind to the beginning of the day. Every morning, I have a habit of checking Twitter, reading the news and some motivational quotes to get my day going. "You cannot always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump." I thought to myself, "This is super poignant and relevant to my current situation, I must take this into consideration." But it's not like I took immediate action with that notion. I just let it sink in and went on with my day.

My day was filled with gratitude and awareness of my life. I felt happy, satisfied, inspired. And then last night, I was with a friend at an event in Tribeca. It was so not my scene, but at least I got good company and French electronica music out of it. When we left, it was still raining and super windy. My umbrella had flipped and I was getting frustrated with the moment. I thought I'd lighten the mood by running in the rain as quickly as possible towards the subway entrance. I thought it would be funny and fun. Fun turned into an epic soaring through the air, hitting the ground full force and sliding on the slippery subway grate. I landed at least 6 feet from where I kicked off my fall. I was like a kamikaze Olympic long jumper.

It was the single most painful and impactful experience I've ever had. I don't tend to injure myself (knock on wood), so it was quite dramatic. I am really not accident prone, in fact, I try to avoid that as much as possible. My immediate reaction was "I'm fine!" I don't want anyone to think I'm not fine or hurt. But I was hurting, limping and I lifted up my pants and my knee was bloodied by the fall. I'd scraped my left hand, right elbow and the left knee got it the worst. It took the most impact when I hit the ground. It could have been way worse. I could have smashed my face (and my glasses) and that would have ruined my night. I was also concerned about my bag and my favorite pink Nike sneakers. Am I crazy? Plus I was drenched because I fell on the ground! The New York City sidewalk.

Afterwards, I started to analyze why did this happen to me? Was it Karma? Was the universe saying something to me? Why did I fall in such a dramatic fashion? Then I remembered the quote from the morning. "Sometimes you must dare to jump." Oh I jumped! I jumped, fell, got hurt, but picked myself up. I am independent and self sufficient. No matter what happens to me, I'll be fine. It's a metaphor for my life, that's for sure. I think there may be more to the incident and my fall. I think the universe is telling me something else... Regardless, I have a swollen knee and elbow, which means I have to take a break from barre and tennis. Now that bums me out. I shall rest and let my wounds recover. Now isn't that another metaphor for life. I'm still letting old wounds heal. Some are still healing. Hopefully this physical wound heals faster than my emotional ones.

Take care out there. 
Don't run in the rain. 
You will get hurt. 
Don't let that happen. 
Be safe, be happy, be brave.
But whatever happens...
You must dare to jump!

自從有了你

Today, I'm grateful that I am bilingual. I can understand and speak Chinese (Cantonese and passable Mandarin). I grew up watching both English/American/Western and Chinese/Cantonese/Mandarin television shows and films. I learned Chinese through TV and karaoke (believe it or not). I think being bilingual is one of my secret weapons. I'd feel "wrong" if I only knew one language. I could elaborate on wrong, I'd feel inadequate if I wasn't bilingual. That's not to say I don't think people, who only speak one language, are inadequate. I just love the fact that I could have a private conversation with a friend in Cantonese if I need to.

Granted, my Cantonese is not very strong, but I'm practicing now and I feel more confident in using colloquialism and curse words. This opening theme song from My Fair Princess is one of my favorite song lyrics from a television show. It's one of the best lyrics in general, because there is so much depth and beauty encapsulated in the words. Thank you sky, thank you land, thank you destiny for allowing us to meet. How can you not be swayed by such poetry? I'm in awe of these beautiful words and I always knew the meaning behind them, even when I was young.

I grew up watching this show when I was in elementary school. Can't believe I'm 20 years older and still listening to the same song. Not only am I 20 years older, so are Vicki Zhao, Ruby Lin, Fan Bing Bing, etc. How time flies? I am grateful to remember the show fondly, to recall how it taught me about the Qing Dynasty, about love, family, friendship, happiness, struggle, pain, anguish, sadness. The lyrics really express all these themes so elegantly and articulately. I'm grateful that I'm alive and it was my destiny to meet you, whoever you are, we are destined to be in each other's lives. Someday.

感谢天 感谢地 感谢命运 让我们相遇

gan xie tian gan xie di gan xie ming yun rang wo men xiang yu

自从有了你 生命里都是奇迹

zi cong you liao ni sheng ming li du shi qi ji

多少痛苦 多少欢笑 交织成一片灿烂的记忆

duo shao tong ku duo shao huan xiao jiao zhi cheng yi pian can lan de ji yi

感谢风 感谢云 感谢阳光 照射着大地

gan xie feng gan xie yun gan xie yang guang zhao she zhuo da di

自从有了你 世界变得好美丽

zi cong you liao ni shi jie bian de hao mei li

一起漂泊 一起流浪 岁月里全是醉人的甜蜜

yi qi piao bo yi qi liu lang sui yue li quan shi zui ren de tian mi

海可枯 石可烂 天可崩 地可裂

hai ke ku shi ke lan tian ke beng di ke lie

我们肩并着肩 手牵着手

wo men jian bing zhuo jian shou qian zhuo shou

海可枯 石可烂 天可崩 地可裂

hai ke ku shi ke lan tian ke beng di ke lie

我们肩并着肩 手牵着手 手牵着手.....

wo men jian bing zhuo jian shou qian zhuo shou shou qian zhuo shou .....

踏遍天涯 访遍夕阳 歌遍云和月

ta bian tian ya fang bian xi yang ge bian yun he yue

F*CK LOVE F*CK FEELINGS

My heart is starting to ache again. I hate feelings. I hate these feelings. Why am I not capable of controlling my emotions? Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because I'm human? I wish I was a robot. I always joke that I'm dead inside and that I'm a robot, but I've just been in total denial. I protect myself from potential hurt and disappointment, so I've managed to convince myself for years that I am impenetrable. What a fucking lie.

I've been a victim of Stockholm Syndrome of a tug of war between my head and heart. Does that make sense? My head and heart have been fighting ever since child development. But we all suffer from this. I'm just trying to stay afloat and manage my expectations. I want to find a happy medium between expectation and reality, but maybe I'll never find it. I either want to be a hopelessly romantic idealist or a robotic, cold and pragmatic realist. Why can't I find a balance between the two?

I'm really confused and lost (again), but I'm finding my way. It's ironic how I'm good at navigating geographically and in the physical world, but when it comes to my purpose in life and my feelings... I'm hopeless. I've realized that I've learned so much just by living and I'm usually the one who doles out advice like I'm such an expert on life. But in reality, I'm terrible at taking my own advice and applying it to my heart, to my life. I think most of us have this problem though.

I'm trying my best to be proactive and condition myself to believe and take action. Last month, I did one of the most courageous things in my life. I'm very proud of myself for believing in myself, valuing and respecting myself enough to say "Enough is enough / Too little too late / I deserve better!" I know I'm capable of taking control of my own life and someday, I may be able to take control of my emotions, be able to be open and vulnerable and cautious and vigilant at the same time. My heart deserves better. It deserves to ache for something worthy.

Life is too short to be scared all the time. 
Time to take chances and take action. 
Be courageous with your life. 
#whyislifeworthliving

A History of Errors (Why Didn't They Laugh)

This week, I was in desperate need of intelligence, wit and laughter.

I love discovering (new) comedians and on Friday, Owen Benjamin appeared on the YouTube homepage for me. I've been telling my friends about him ever since. I'm in awe of people who are so in tune with the human condition, who can turn the dark side of life into pure comedy genius. I love that I will periodically discover new comedians, I prefer this to constantly being bombarded by them like on Netflix. Why? Because I'm really picky. Let's just say I'm selective. I'm selective with my friends, I'm selective with the men I like, I'm selective with my comedians.

I'm not a comedy slut. I don't laugh at any and every joke. I appreciate thought, craft and intellect when it comes to comedy; whether it's standup, improv, sketch, etc. There is just so much comedy out there, it drives me insane. It's the same for any kind of medium, you just have to filter through it and find the things that appeal to you. I guess the universe decided to put Owen Benjamin in my stream of consciousness and now I feel like I found a comedian who speaks the same language as me.

His material is spot on and his sense of humor is direct, thoughtful and pure honesty. I appreciate his level of honesty. Don't fucking sugarcoat it, why bother? People can be so sensitive and I think it's better to face the ugly truth than cower behind a fake facade of bullshit! There is just so much bullshit in the world, it's nice to face it and confront that shit! I was never the most confrontational person, but over the years, I've been training myself to face the music. I'm slowly getting there.

Comedy helps me. It's my therapy. It's gives me new perspective and it makes me want to be a better human. I guess that's why I admire Woody Allen. Despite his controversies, he is still creating. As an audience, I choose to respect that and separate his personal life with his craft. Who doesn't have controversies in Hollywood? It's a dark, dark, dark and fucked up town. Both men and women have dark secrets and some may come out and some may be kept hidden in the dark forever. Well, whatever happens in life, I just want to laugh once in a while. If the comedy is quick-witted, intelligent, smart, honest, well, then I need it in my life!

How to be married and not be murdered

Watch this unless you WANT to be murdered by the person you love. Watching "Snapped" on Oxygen has taught me a lot about life and survival.
owenbenjamin.com for custom songs. Tell me what you want your song about, throw a tip in the jar, and i'll send you one.
Subscribe to my podcast on iTunes http://bit.ly/owenbenjamin

WOMEN'S RESPONSE / HE HAD IT COMING / HAHA :

Breathe

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." ― Oprah Winfrey

No questions today. Just pure acceptance and awareness of my breathing. Sometimes asking questions gets stressful, especially when you don't have answers. But what do I know for certain? Is that I have a set of lungs that allow me to breathe. I have a heart, a brain, nerves, hormones, limbs and everything else.

I am a physical being. I own my body. I have feelings and thoughts, morality, ethics, principles and I choose to stand by them. I have knowledge and critical thinking abilities. I want to be a well-rounded human being and I choose to be open-minded and fascinated by the world around me.

I love who I am and no one will ever change that. Accept yourself for who you are and if there is something you're self conscious about, admit it, accept it and find ways to improve upon it. We'll never be perfect, so get used to that idea and you'll be set free. 🙌

Everything is fleeting

“Life is made up of a collection of moments that are not ours to keep. The pain we encounter throughout our days spent on this earth comes from the illusion that some moments can be held onto. Clinging to people and experiences that were never ours in the first place is what causes us to miss out on the beauty of the miracle that is the now. All of this is yours, yet none of it is. How could it be? Look around you. Everything is fleeting.  

To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go...it's the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.” ― Rachel Brathen

#NYCStrong 🗽

#NYCStrong means that as New Yorkers we have to be strong and viligant. In the wake of this tragedy, we are left with broken hearts and souls. But we must remain strong, we must be resilient, we must be there for each other. When the news first broke, I received messages from 3 people; 2 in London and 1 in San Francisco.

I was immediately alarmed, "why am I not getting alerts?" In this day and age, we need (expect) to be informed all the time, especially with this kind of breaking news. We received non-stop amber alerts 2 weeks ago, remember? It kept going off every 3 minutes?

Imagine the chaos that ensued right at that moment at 3:05 pm EST, this happened on a bike lane and right by a high school as the students were leaving. And it was Halloween! How did the people in the area get alerted? It must have been horrific for bystanders and witnesses. I cannot imagine and am too scared to put myself in that mindset.

I'm so heartbroken for all the victims and injured parties and friends and families of the victims. Tourists from Argentina and Belgium. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for all the people immediately impacted. What a heartbreaking day. It left me a little broken and scared, it made me

I know we aren't constantly under threat unlike some countries, so I shouldn't take that for granted. However, I do seek out footage and photos from war torn countries, I am aware of the horrors in other countries. There is no excuse for that level of destruction. Regardless all our lives are fragile no matter where we were born or where we choose to live.

Humans are fragile and our lives should be precious, but we live in a fucked up world where we are not valued as individuals. I'm not sure if we're valued as a society or race or even the human race. Humanity will keep going after we're dead, but at this rate, we may end up destroying our planet and our future.

I fear for the sake of future generations, I fear they will have to live with the consequences of our current actions. I hope we can change and make a real change in our mindset and actions. We need to speak up and fight for our future. We need to take action. Because if we don't, we might as well give up and move to Mars.

I hope as a human race, we are strong and resilient and we will band together to do the right thing. Do the right thing. Humans, we must do the right thing for our sake. Don't give up on ourselves. We've come this far and we're not about to fuck it up now. The future is right in front of us. We are pioneers. We are explorers. We are 100% human.

Stay safe, stay healthy, be happy, be kind, please be a human.

Flight to Star Cluster Westerlund 2

Take me to space right now, because sometimes I'm sick of being here. No, not sick of it, but I would just love to escape for a short period of time. Do you ever feel that way?

This visualization provides a three-dimensional perspective on Hubble's 25th anniversary image of the nebula Gum 29 with the star cluster Westerlund 2 at its core. The flight traverses the foreground stars and approaches the lower left rim of the nebula Gum 29. Passing through the wispy darker clouds on the near side, the journey reveals bright gas illuminated by the intense radiation of the newly formed stars of cluster Westerlund 2. Within the nebula, several pillars of dark, dense gas are being shaped by the energetic light and strong stellar winds from the brilliant cluster of thousands of stars. Note that the visualization is intended to be a scientifically reasonable interpretation and that distances within the model are significantly compressed. 

 Credit: NASA, ESA, G. Bacon, L. Frattare, Z. Levay, and F. Summers (Viz3D Team, STScI), and J. Anderson (STScI) 

 Acknowledgment: The Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA), A. Nota (ESA/STScI), the Westerlund 2 Science Team, and ESO

But Not for Me

They're writing songs of love, but not for me.
A lucky star's above, but not for me.
With love to lead the way
I've found more clouds of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee.
I was a fool to fall and get that way;
Heigh-ho! Alas! And also, lack-a-day!
Although I can't dismiss the memory of his kiss, I guess he's mot for me.
He's knocking on a door, but not for me.
He'll plan a two by four, but not for me.  

I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
Was I the moth or flame?
I'm all at sea.
It all began so well, but what an end!
This is the time a feller needs a friend,
When every happy plot ends with the marriage knot,
And there's no knot for me.

Battle of the Sexes

"Champions keep playing until they get it right." ― Billie Jean King

You know what? I managed to turn my day around. It was like magic. Disregard the earlier entry, because now I'm feeling empowered, inspired and happy. And I know that this feeling will last. Heartbreak? What heartbreak?! Not only is this is really good film, but the actual story of Billie Jean King is so remarkable. I'm genuinely in awe of her achievements on and off the tennis court. She was 29 when she beat Bobby Riggs. I'm turning 29 in an hour and all I can say is this year ahead will be the most creatively and mentally challenging and productive year. I'm really looking forward to pushing myself closer to my goals.

The moment I left the apartment, I knew exactly how I wanted to feel today. I wanted to feel like I have a purpose, a motivation, an agenda. I didn't want to feel like a victim or helpless. Every choice I made was for me, myself and I. This is how you're meant to treat yourself with respect and kindness. I will continue to have self respect and will not care about what anyone thinks of me.

To womankind! To equality! To feminism! I will climb all the mountains, jump over every hurdle, tackle every single challenge that comes my way. I dare to risk it, have courage, be who I am! <3

If I dare to ask it
Then I dare it to be true
If I dare to risk it
Then I know that I'm willing to
If I dare to want this
To want more than I have
Then I dare to believe
I'll have it in the end

You climbed the mountain
Sent pictures of the view
And still can't believe when
I started climbing too
You haven't heard that
I'm not afraid to fall
That I'm not deterred yet
Until I tell them all

I am holding out
For more than what I have now
I'm holding out

I don't want your pity
I won't use your little scraps
I don't build my cities
With what could get taken back
I don't need permission
To rise up when it hurts
You don't have to listen
But you'll hear me mark my words

I am holding out
For more than what I have now
I'm holding out

When the room gets dark and I am quiet
There's a voice that's soft like someone's silhouette
Sayin' don't let me go yet

I am holding out
I am holding out
For more than what I have now
I'm holding out

If I dare to ask it
Then I dare it to be true
If I dare to risk it
Then I know that I'm willing to
If I dare to want this
To want more than I have
Then I dare to believe
I'll have it in the end

Heartbreak 💔

For as long as I can remember, I've had to turn my heartbreak into something pragmatic, creative and therapeutic. This prompted me to write and direct my short film Shyness. Then that whole experience broke my heart, because it made me realize I wasn't a filmmaker. That was one of the bigger heartbreaking personal experiences for me, because I always wanted to be a director. It was my dream ever since I was young.

I do have a habit of turning my heartbreak, pain and anguish into writing. I enjoy and appreciate irreverent humor and writing, because you can take a serious subject matter and put a spin on it, whilst being a bit callous and insensitive (when in fact it's breaking my heart). Writing candidly has allowed me to interpret, observe, perceive the universe and existence in a unique way. At least it feels different to me compared to others.

So why do our hearts break? Are they capable of breaking? Mine feels shattered into a million pieces or stomped on by a million people, by individuals and by humanity. But I refuse to think of myself as some wallowing, self loathing, pathetic victim. Because I am not a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I'm alive and well and albeit a little miserable, but I have all my limbs, my sight, hearing, sense of smell, taste and touch. I will not be ungrateful. The sad truth is we all get our hearts broken and ultimately, it may be a reflection of life itself and possibly how we perceive our own self worth.

I've always told myself that I deserve better. But deep down, I'm not sure that I believe myself entirely. Because I would rather wander this universe like a lone wolf. But lucky or unlucky for me, I had my very own wolf in sheep's clothing encounter recently. He looked all innocent and harmless enough, like he wouldn't hurt a fly. I did notice a few small red flags and possible deal breakers, but I chose to ignore my intuition. I completely dismissed them for a glimmer of hope that this human could possibly care about me one day. I was wrong and have been every time (three times to be exact).

Three times may seem like nothing, but three times did make a huge (positive and negative) impact on my life and mindset, my thoughts on modern relationships, future relationships and my absolute stance that I would rather be single and independent, than put myself out there... again... If you know me at all, I am the most (involuntarily and sometimes by choice) picky and particular person in the world and somehow I chose three people and they all decided that I just wasn't good enough for them. Well, c'est la vie.

It's all in the timing. It's just never the right time and no matter who you marry or grow old with, we will all eventually die... alone. I might as well let my heart heal until the possible chance that I could someday hope to feel like a wholehearted human again. I want my heart to get better and it doesn't help that I have a mysterious heart condition (left axis deviation, possibly caused by Wolff–Parkinson–White syndrome). Fine... I feel weak and I'm admitting here, I am weak and vulnerable. I am tired of being strong and pretending I'm okay all the time. I'm only human and I'm a feeling human for that matter. Enough with my unnecessary act of confession.

Goodbye, off to the Planetarium to feel more.

Lost in Translation

Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be.

Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

Three weeks ago, I was feeling dazed, lost and confused. Now I feel like I have more direction than I've ever had in my life. The feeling is liberating and exhilarating to know that I don't feel hopeless anymore. Maybe it's because I have a birthday coming up and this time of the year, I always feel acutely aware of my existence. Which is why I made my short film Shyness.

Lost in Translation reminds me that no matter at what age, we all get a little lost in life. People, jobs, things come and go out of our life. The earth is spinning at a million miles an hour (1000-miles an hour to be more accurate or 30 kilometers per second) and it's hard to let go of the past and live in the now and predict the future. Therefore, it's almost exhausting to have that acute level of self awareness and introspection. My brain has been activated and there is no off switch. So I'll just channel myself and write myself into submission. Studies show humans use 10% of the brain, but right now, I feel like my brain is so stimulated, it's on overdrive.

I need to slow down... before I crash.

Funny, Lucy (dir. Luc Besson) is played by Scarlett Johansson. Maybe I am somehow connected to her. I love Lost in Translation, Her, Scoop and I just recently re-watched He's Just Not That Into You and Match Point for research purposes. Why does she keep getting cast as the "other woman". Granted her filmography is very diverse and I appreciate her badass female roles, but I wouldn't want a reputation for playing the other woman/adulterer type. Well, she doesn't care what I have to say... I should re-watch Ghost World, I haven't seen it since boarding school. I remember connecting with all the characters. I love that feeling when a story and the characters resonate with you on a personal level. I miss that kind of moviegoing experience.

Now that I'm in a much better mental state, I can start to pick up the pieces. I will slowly put everything back together and hopefully form a more solid puzzle. Life is a giant puzzle and it's easy to break everything apart, but our endurance and perseverance is what makes us unique as individuals. I refuse to be a quitter, but I have to care for myself, before I lose myself completely to something that isn't worth it. I am strong and I will fight for my beliefs, morals, principles, because I want to be a decent human being with integrity. #whyislifeworthliving

Hi...

Haha. Never fails to make me laugh.

Letting go...

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

10/2/2017

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Maya Angelou

Something wasn't working in my life, therefore I finally did something to change it. I finally took action for once in my life and it actually felt very empowering and liberating. I don't feel regret or ambivalence. I feel free and assured of my decision. Change is scary and intimidating, but I'm really good at adapting to change. I'm a survivalist, until my survival skills start to harm me, because I refuse to admit to my weaknesses and humanness. But I fucking realized I am NOT a robot, I am NOT a machine. I'm made of flesh and bone and my health is now deteriorating and it's fucked up.

I've survived and tried and pushed myself to the limits. Have you ever reached that point in your life before? Well, as of today, I told myself enough is enough. I think we all suffer quietly and silently and live our lives with such a lack of purpose or little to no purpose. It's a terrifying notion really. On Sunday night and then early Monday morning, I realized that I had no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. First of all, I am NOT sleeping. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, but last week I averaged less than 2 hours a day. I bought a fitbit to track my sleep and weight. Over the course of 6 weeks, I managed to sleep less and less and lose a significant amount of weight. I allowed myself to develop a sleeping and eating disorder and I haven't recovered from it.

This has been an extremely rough period of my life, which was all suppressed up till Monday early morning when it all finally caused my mental breakdown. It's not like I had a psychotic break, but I'd never felt that alone and worst, lonely, in my entire life. I felt like I had no purpose or reason to live anymore and I am a fucking existentialist. Every day I remind myself that life IS worth living, but during my mental breakdown, I had really dark thoughts, which I will admit here publicly for the first time ever. No - I wasn't suicidal, quite the opposite actually. I genuinely had thoughts that if I die right now, NO ONE would know or discover that until they realized that I've disappeared completely. That is hard to admit to myself, my family and friends and whoever is out there.

If I die, then I'd be dead. I think this fear has contributed to my sleep deprivation as well. I genuinely fear that if I fall asleep, I will not wake up. This is NOT okay. I know I'm not the only one who has fears about death, but since we're on the subject of death,  I think I've finally realized how my depression works now. Over time, I've managed to analyze my depressive behavior. This is going to sound bizarre, but I think it actually makes sense. So here goes: when I go through my depression/the lowest of the low, all I feel is numbness and complete lack of interest to anything and everything. This is not through intent, but completely involuntary. I lose my ability to communicate with people (family, friends, co-workers) and I am at a constant loss of words. I'm in constant state of deer in the headlights. I've managed to negatively impact my friendships due to this level of numbness and I wholeheartedly apologize to the friends that I've disappointed during those times.

On the other end of the spectrum, when I do manage to drag myself out of that rut and there's light shining into my life again, I'm able to experience feelings of happiness, joy and gratitude. Now this is the feeling that feels natural to me. I think this is my natural state of mind, but unfortunately, when I'm happy, I'm plagued by my fear of death more than ever. I actually believe that if I'm happy, my life will end in an instant. Everything I ever loved will be yanked away from me and it will all be over. I'll be forgotten and my life will have no legacy or place in anyone's minds. This is my actual reason why I had the mental breakdown. This is not something I share with people because... well... it's hard to admit your fears.

I finally discovered and made the correlation that when I'm depressed, I don't care if my life ends, but when I'm happy, I feel like death is around me. On Monday early morning, I realized that whether I'm happy or not, I know that if I don't look after my health right now, it doesn't matter if I'm happy, because I will be dead. So for anyone who didn't know any of this about me, now you know that I'm just a scared human, who has been suffering silently for my whole life. I am strong-willed and I always put on a brave face and I always put a smile on my face (in order to conceal all my fears and concerns), but I've reached my breaking point and I need to escape right now. I'm leaving this place for a period of time, because I need to focus on my recovery and I need to be around people who can look after me. I cannot look after myself right now.

This is the best decision I've ever made for myself. I know that I will be able to recover and feel better physically and mentally... soon enough. I didn't like something, so I changed it, because changing my attitude towards it ended up making it way worst. I've jeopardized my health, wellbeing and morals, so here is to change and new beginnings. I feel hope again.

Break The Sky

I never realized that song lyrics could be that applicable to me and my life... especially nine years after this song was written. Goodbye Blues was one of my favorite albums by The Hush Sound. This album came out after my first year in college. I guess back in the day, I listened to the lyrics, but never really thought about the meaning behind the lyrics.

Now that I'm nine years older, I realized what every song was actually about. How did Greta and Bob write these lyrics nine years ago? I'm the same age as Greta and yet she wrote these amazingly beautiful lyrics and what was I doing? Being a college student and daydreaming about being a filmmaker. Life is pretty ironic. I've always known that, but today I'm feeling it more than ever.

I feel like maybe I was never really honest with myself. I think I have been idealistic all these years and finally I get it. Did I just have an epiphany today? I think so. This week was full of revelations and maybe something has shifted within me. I think it has something to do with Pluto's retrograde. I recently got the planetary symbol of Pluto (♇) tattooed on my arm. As a reminder of what I went through over a month ago.

That was probably one of the most challenging experiences I've ever been through. Have you ever wanted to die? Well that experience made me want to give up on my life. Yes, sounds dramatic as fuck, but it almost killed me. I'm not going to get into any details, but I ended up in the clinic and was prescribed Xanax. That's how bad the experience scarred and traumatized me. And guess what? A month and a week have passed and I still have NOT recovered from it. Now that is fucked up. I'm scared that my physical health will not recover from the experience.

I hate to complain, but I think I need to vocalize and write about this experience. It was horrible and a part of me regrets having done it. I know I should be somewhat proud of this achievement, but I don't feel rewarded by it at all. There's a good reason why, but now I'm just mad for putting myself through it... almost involuntarily. I sound so fucking cryptic, but it's to protect the people involved. So here I am, writing about this and maybe someone will read this... maybe no one will. I kind of don't care, but it's therapeutic and I may feel better now.

So this is me on a Friday night and I'm singing to my baby cat, Luna. She's comfortably sleeping in her safe spot and I'm writing. I'd say it's a pretty decent way to spend Friday night. The lyrics below couldn't be more accurate and I wholeheartedly believe those words. Here's to The Hush Sound and their incredibly beautiful and moving lyrics. Thank you for enlightening me.

Weight of days lost holding you down
You'll look for me, but I won't be found.
The bluebirds flutter in my chest,
Oh, they want to sing..
You'll have to break me open to hear anything

Before the world dies at my door
I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

Won't be haunted by dreams I've deferred
Won't set my heart frozen in amber
The love you always seem to find is syrupy sweet
One taste and you've made up your mind,
Too ripe to eat.

Before the world dies at my door
I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

Fear will hold you back,
If you believe in that.

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else?
Why do I need anyone..

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

The Boys Are Too Refined

The boys who kiss and bite,
They are the brilliant ones who speak and write with silver luck...
They sing in clever tongues,
Oh how my knees go weak to be the one --
she kicks and bucks.
Always quick to follow
The boys are too refined
Won't matter tomorrow
Oh, to be in his mind
And if the timing is right to sneak off into the night,
I'll let myself be taken just for the thrill.
And if I'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands,
I will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance
To daddy singing sweet, a lullaby to all his credit speak, his golden light
to the edge with a car, he sent it off a cliff just for the spark
to hell with why
Always quick to follow
The boys are too refined
Won't matter tomorrow
Oh, to be in his mind
And if the timing is right to sneak off into the night,
I'll let myself be taken just for the thrill.
And if I'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands,
I will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance

The Hush Sound, Goodbye Blues, 2008

On the Nature of Daylight

Sometimes life is too hard to bear.

I am consumed by my fear of death and I just want to hide in my misery and agony. But today, I absolutely do not feel that way, but when I hear this music, I'm overcome by sadness. You may recognize this from Arrival. Now you may understand why I sound so solemn. This music reminds me of the themes of the film - love, loss, humanity, survival, understanding, death. How brilliantly the story was woven together by Denis Villeneuve. Today I'm still moved by this film and the music. This particular piece by Max Richter and score by Jóhann Jóhannsson (you can't forget the accents).

I'm actually in a really good mood today. In fact, it has been a beautifully glorious weekend, but I needed to take a moment to remind myself that happiness is temporary and life is fleeting. Way to be bogged down by the feeling of existentialism. My head is feeling heavy now. I think it's time for a cat nap. I still have lots to do today. I'm going to keep listening to Max Richter...

(7 hours of sleep with the help of melatonin doesn't seem quite enough, especially after the crazy 2 weeks that I've had.)

You've Got Mail

Frank Navasky: Kathleen. YOU, are a lone reed. You are a lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce.

Kathleen Kelly: I am a lone reed.

Hygge

https://skandinavisk.com/

I first discovered hygge (pronounced like "hoo-guh") late fall last year, as the leaves were falling off the trees. It was something I always knew I needed and aspired to in my life, I just didn't realize there was a Danish term for this concept. "The true essence of hygge is the pursuit of everyday happiness, and it’s basically like a hug, just without the physical touch," says Meik Wiking, CEO of The Happiness Research Institute and author of The Little Book of Hygge. "Some of the key ingredients are togetherness, relaxation, indulgence, presence, and comfort."

Ever since I learned about hygge, I've been obsessively trying to incorporate that into my life. Over the years, I've fallen in love with Nordic and specifically Scandinavian culture. Their culture, traditions, philosophy, outlook on life, design, food, lifestyle, landscapes, etc. In case you don't know the difference, here's a convenient explanation per Wikipedia. (Honestly, I'm writing it out here to remind myself.)

While the term Scandinavia is commonly used for Denmark, Norway and Sweden, the term the Nordic countries is used unambiguously for Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Iceland, including their associated territories (Greenland, the Faroe Islands, and the Åland Islands).

Today was all about hygge, rest and recuperation. It was so necessary. When you're overworked and over-exhausted, you forget that there's more to life than your job. There's so much going on outside the four walls of the office. Last week, I was under extreme pressure and stress and I forgot all about self care. I neglected all my basic needs - I was sleep/food/exercise deprived. It was very extreme, but somehow I got through it... almost unscathed, but pretty traumatized by the experience. You know what they say? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I really hate that saying, because I don't think everyone is necessarily strong enough to get through that level of physical and mental stress.

We're human beings, not machines! After this harrowing experience, I was reminded that I am only human. I am made of flesh and bone. My heart is pumping blood through my veins. I'm made of millions of cells. We only have one life, so how do you want to live it? Think about that. Life is a gift - don't take it for granted. Self care is important. Hygge makes life worth living. I'm going to continue to hygge until bedtime.

Last thing, one of my favorite poems by E. E. Cummings.

the trick of finding what you didn’t lose
(existing’s tricky:but to live’s a gift)
the teachable imposture of always
arriving at the place you never left 

(and i refer to thinking)rests upon
a dismal misconception;namely that
some neither ape nor angel called a man
is measured by his quote eye cue unquote. 

Much better than which,every woman who’s
(despite the ultramachinations of
some loveless infraworld)a woman knows;
and certain men quite possibly may have 

shal we say guessed?”we shall” quoth gifted she:
and played the hostess to my morethanme

the trick of finding what you didn’t lose by e. e. cummings 

8/26/2017 🐝

"You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen." – Paulo Coelho

One of the most fucked up days of my life. Funny, ironic, hilarious, seriously fucked. Fully embracing life's twisted humor. I will cherish this day forever.

Chateau

This music video is very meaningful to me. Not only does it encapsulate late summer 2017 for me; it was edited by bestie Marissa. This song brings me so much joy. It makes me want to go on a road trip. To drive into the future with someone special. To whisper in his ears. To share secrets that I've never shared before. Take me there.

I could listen to this song on repeat and fall in love with it all over again.

Solar Eclipse 8/21/2017

Grateful and in awe of the universe.

I Feel It Coming

This song means more than you'll ever know... it changed my life. Or rather it defines this certain period of my time.

(Unfortunately) it will forever be associated with 2 somewhat emotionally and mentally traumatizing things that happened to me last summer/fall, but no matter what, I am grateful. I am grateful for my life experiences. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to go through my own trials and tribulations, because that is what life is about. I can look back on it now and think of those memories fondly and it has only been half a year. I wonder how I'll feel another 6 months from now or 5 years or 10 years from now. Time is so funny and this song makes me feel like... something is on the horizon. Something is coming... It's just a matter of time. I'll never be ready, but I also feel extremely ready.

I feel it coming, babe.

Feels

This song absolutely defines my summer of 2017. Summer anthem! I don't particularly care for Katy Perry, but this song is so fun. I love the backstory behind the song and lyrics. The music industry is so confusing, but I still appreciate it when I find a song I like and listen to on repeat. I don't love discovering new music anymore; I tend to go back and listen to old songs or classical music, etc. I guess this year I started listening to more popular songs. I wonder what that means. Regardless, this song makes me think of my summer trip in London and Lisbon.

Summer 2017... almost feels like a lifetime ago.

Hey!
Not nothing ever last forever, no
One minute you're here and the next you're gone
So I respect you, wanna take it slow
I need a mental receipt to know this moment I owe

Do you mind if I steal a kiss? (Chop, chop)
A little souvenir, can I steal it from you?
To memorize the way you shock me
The way you move it here (Hey)
Just wanna feel it from you (Hey)

Don't be afraid to catch feels
Ride drop top and chase thrills (Hey)
I know you ain't afraid to pop pills (Hey)
Baby, I know you ain't scared to catch feels
Feels with me

I'm your window shopper, sucker for your love, oh
I'm wearing your goggles, virtual reality
It ain't what it cost you, it might be a dollar
As long as it shocks you, memory, electricity

Do you mind if I steal a kiss? (Chop, chop)
A little souvenir, can I steal it from you? (Oh, yeah)
To memorize the way you shock me (Yeah)
The way you move it here (Hey)
Just wanna feel it from you (Hey)

Don't be afraid to catch feels (Ha)
Ride drop top and chase thrills (Oh-oh-oh, oh)
I know you ain't afraid to pop pills (Hey)
Baby, I know you ain't scared to catch feels (Straight up)
Feels with me (Woah)

Goddamn, I know you love to make an entrance
Do you like getting paid or getting paid attention?
You mixed the wrong guys with the right intentions
In the same bed, but it still feel long distance
You're looking for a little more consistency
But when you stop looking you gon' find what's meant to be
And honestly, I'm way too done with the hoes
I cut off all my exes for your x and o's
I feel my old flings was just preparing me
When I say I want you, say it back, parakeet
Fly in first-class through the air, Airbnb
I'm the best you had, you just be comparing me to me
I'mma 'at' this at you, if I put you on my phone
And upload it, it'll get maximum views
I came in through in the clutch with the lipsticks and phones
Wear your fave cologne just to get you alone

Don't be afraid to catch feels
Don't be afraid to catch these feels
Ride drop top and chase thrills (Yeah)
I know you ain't afraid to pop pills (I know)
Baby, I know you ain't scared to catch feels
Feels with me

Don't be afraid to catch feels (No, no)
Don't be afraid, baby (Don't be afraid)
Ride drop top and chase thrills (Woah, okay)
I know you ain't afraid to pop pills
I know, I know, I know, I know
Baby, I know you ain't scared to catch feels
Feels with me

That's What I Like

This song defines my spring and summer of 2017. I never thought I'd love a Bruno Mars song this much. This music video makes me smile. I just want lobster tails now.

Hey, hey, hey
I got a condo in Manhattan
Baby girl, what's hatnin'?
You and your ass invited
So gon' and get to clappin'
Go pop it for a player, pop-pop it for me
Turn around and drop it for a player, drop-drop it for me
I'll rent a beach house in Miami
Wake up with no jammies (nope)
Lobster tail for dinner
Julio, serve that scampi
You got it if you want it, got, got it if you want it
Said you got it if you want it, take my wallet if you want it, now

Jump in the Cadillac
(Girl, let's put some miles on it)
Anything you want
(Just to put a smile on you)
You deserve it baby, you deserve it all
And I'm gonna give it to you

Cool jewelry shining so bright
Strawberry champagne on ice
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Sex by the fire at night
Silk sheets and diamonds all white
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like

I'm talkin' trips to Puerto Rico
Say the word and we go
You can be my fleeka
Girl, I'll be a fleeko, mamacita
I will never make a promise that I can't keep
I promise that your smile ain't gon' never leave
Shopping sprees in Paris
Everything twenty-four karats
Take a look in that mirror (take a look)
Now tell me who's the fairest
Is it you? (is it you?) is it me? (is it me?)
Say it's us (say it's us) and I'll agree, baby

Jump in the Cadillac
(Girl, let's put some miles on it)
Anything you want
(Just to put a smile on you)
You deserve it baby, you deserve it all
And I'm gonna give it to you

Cool jewelry shining so bright
Strawberry champagne on ice
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Sex by the fire at night
Silk sheets and diamonds all white
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like

You say you want a good time
Well here I am, baby, here I am, baby
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me
Talk to me, tell me what's on your mind
What's on your mind
If you want it, girl, come and get it
All this is here for you
Tell me baby, tell me, tell me baby
What you tryna do

Cool jewelry shining so bright
Strawberry champagne on ice
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like (that's what I like)
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like
Sex by the fire at night
Silk sheets and diamonds all white
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like (that's what I like)
Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like

Your Name

As I'm writing this, I should clarify that it's actually Thursday, February 15th, 2018 today, but since I watched Your Name on Saturday, April 8th, 2017 at AMC Loews Kips Bays 15, I will be posting it as that date. I have a funny obsession with dates and time. I would go back and research to know when I did something, when I experienced something, when I discovered something. To me, these dates are meaningful to me. I want to remember specific details to make these memories more concrete. This is why I keep movie stubs. I keep a pretty thorough calendar. I would look at my YouTube/MoviePass/Seamless history and timestamps, just to go back in time to remember specific events in my life. That is exactly what Your Name captures...

When I first watched Your Name, I was not in a great place in my life. I was going through a very tough time by myself and I kept it mostly to myself. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it, but I pushed myself through it. When you live alone (because none of your best friends are here) in a big city like New York, it feels very isolating. You fall into these habits and you can easily bury yourself in that state. I definitely fell really hard into this headspace and was stuck there for an extended period of time. So when I watched this film, I wasn't completely connecting to the story, but I felt the emotions through the beautiful visuals and music. The story covers a few too many themes, but overall, it tells a story of yearning. I think in life it's important to want something... it can be small or big, but wanting something gives us some purpose.

After watching it a second time in December, I felt more in tune with the emotions and the characters. It also brought me back to what I was going through in April. I remember that evening quite vividly. I remember where I had dinner beforehand. I remember that walk from Soba Totto to the movie theater. I remember texting my friend that I was going to see it. I hadn't texted this friend in a while, since I was going through something and he was going through something. But it connected us again. Also I remember I almost had to work that evening, but my boss went into work instead. I had worked so many weekends already, it was nice to just have an evening to myself and watch a film. How did I feel after the film? I felt... like the film captured so much magic, but it also made me question why there seems to be such a lack of magic in real life.

Listening to Radwimp's soundtrack, I feel like I'm frozen in time. If I'm perpetually stuck in a certain time, how would I want to be feeling? Ultimately, I just want to feel connected to something. Over the course of the last few years, I keep falling into a pattern. I feel numb, empty and disconnected. Everything seems fleeting. Nothing is concrete. Nothing is tangible, except the loneliness feels so palpable. This is why I watch films to feel connected to something. I'm yearning for security and stability and somehow I haven't been able to find what I'm looking for. It's a constant struggle and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. But I need to remind myself to take it day by day.

These thoughts are really scattered... It's like the needle in my internal compass is going haywire. Maybe certain things come into our lives when we're feeling most lost. If they manage to make an impact when you're feeling the lowest, maybe I wasn't that numb after all. I'm learning to come to terms with that... I need to learn to help myself understand.

The Crown

This trailer still gives me the chills. So incredibly well acted, written, directed, executed. Such a thrill to see such a beautiful and melancholy portrayal of the Royal family. Can't wait to watch season 2.

God Save the Queen!

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen.
O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall:
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix:
God save us all.
Thy choicest gifts in store,
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign:
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the Queen.

Call Me, Elon Musk.

Space just gets me.
The universe gets me.
I could live on Mars.
I would be honored to go there.
Call me, Elon Musk.

Dear Universe,

Some days I want to escape from here. I believe we are so tiny and insignificant. We are just a speck in this vast universe. I also believe in alternate universes, so there's a version of me out there with a completely different experience. Therefore, I feel thankful. I may not have certain things in my life in this universe, but maybe in an alternate reality, I have an abundance in that certain thing. How beautifully reassuring is that? Just think about it.

Yes, I'm a poet by night. Today is known to some as "Desperation Day". You know, I'm not desperate to meet a man or fall in love or whatever... but I would be quite happy to meet Elon Musk or Neil deGrasse Tyson. My heroes. And Roger Federer, of course. And Stephen Hawking and Russell Brand. And then Woody Allen. Man crushing to the max.

💌 It's February 13th, although it's "Desperation Day", I'm feeling super blessed by my "singledom". I feel so much love and gratitude for the amazing people in my life, the amazing things that happen to me on a daily basis, I have my limbs, my sight, ability to hear, sense of smell and taste. Life is sweet! I feel gratitude for my ability to laugh and cry and feel. I'm riding this emotional roller coaster of life and I'm acutely aware of this journey. I have passion, drive and motivation to be this version of myself. I had a crazy January, but February is a new month to be a better version of myself. Tomorrow is a new day. So what that it's Valentine's Day?! Tomorrow is going to be awesome, regardless of my relationship status.

P.S. I'll be wearing black tomorrow, like the color of my soul! Have a beautiful day/evening wherever you are in the universe!

Much Love and Always,
Avalonne

📸: @WorldAndScience Pluto's moon, Charon, at highest resolution yet and in color. 🌕🌕🌕

How To Combat Shyness

Russell Brand has rapidly become a great source of information and inspiration for me. I've always appreciated his outlook and sense of humor as a standup comedian, and he has always been very intuitive and fascinating. He is an articulate, eloquent and well informed individual, who happens to have had a crazy past. But that is why I have such a huge admiration for him, because he really turned his life around. That's when you have to acknowledge someone's desire and motivation to get back on their feet and make their life better.

Russell may come across as loud, brash and vulgar, but that's part of his on stage persona. He's also very insightful, introspective and observant about the world and its happenings. Some people brush him off as a news source, but I would stand up for The Trews as a great resource. He also responds to his viewers' questions and gives thoughtful advice and responses. I truly admire him and I hope to meet him one day, just to say "thank you, you are wonderful."

On a side note, it's funny that this episode's first question is "how to combat shyness?", because my first short film that I wrote and directed is called Shyness. It's still in post production and I have every intention of finishing the film this year. Luckily, I work in an environment that has taught me how to finish a film (amazing!), so I will absolutely finish it. No excuses. And that's a story for another time.

Now go out there and combat your shyness, because shyness is nice and shyness can stop you, from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

Try Everything

I believe that is important to be brave, courageous, fearless, unfortunately it is hard to be those things on a regular basis. Therefore, it is my daily mission to work on being optimistic and hopeful. I appreciate Disney for giving us Zootopia and I love the character of Judy Hopps, although I find some parts of the story to be weak and questionable. Nevertheless, I love an independent, hardworking, tough female character and Judy was all those things and more. Oh yeah and there was Nick Wilde, the fox too.

Shakira has such an empowering presence and voice. This song truly inspires me and makes me not want to give up... ever. Thank you for the encouragement and message behind this amazing song. Don't give up!

I won't give up, no, I won't give in till I reach the end and then I'll start again. 
No I won't leave, I wanna try everything. I wanna try even though I could fail.

Where is our humanity?

I feel so much anger and sadness.

Sometimes, I don't understand this world and the people in it. I know I'm one of the billions of people on this planet and I'm also contributing to the unnecessary negativity, but I'm tired of it all. As humans, we are destroying humanity and our planet. Who else can we blame, but ourselves? We need to put an end to it. How are we meant to preserve ourselves and our legacy, if we can't let go of the negativity?

Therefore, I am angry. I am sad. I am broken and I have a hard time letting go or accepting our fate. I don't want to feel this way, but I am human after all. I can't exude positivity all the time, because I am surrounded by the bad energy. The people around me make me unhappy and dissatisfied with life. We are terribly divided now, as a nation and worldwide. We need to be united... again.

Please unite.
We need to be united.
Without that, we have no future.

ORIGINAL is never finished

This is super empowering, beautiful and epic.

I think in a world of Capitalism, consumerism and conformity, we're prone to looking like clones and drones and cronies. I truly appreciate the symbolism and artistic approach to this Adidas ad or short film. I do feel special when I wear my Superstars, even though every other person on the street is wearing them. It has the power to make you feel strong, comfortable and unique. That's all anyone wants to feel when they're hustling and trying to find their place in the world.

Thank you, Adidas, for this original concept. Ready for today!

(Thanks to my bestie, Caro, for showing me this!)

You Can Find Me In A Black Hole

Dear Universe,

Once again, I desperately need and want to hide in a black hole. Not to be negative or dwell on the negative, but it has been a rough last few weeks, not just for me personally, but for America and the rest of the world.

I feel so strongly and just angry about all of this. There are so many words and yet, not enough words to accurately describe what I'm thinking. Just pick up a newspaper, read a magazine, watch a documentary and realize the world isn't just about what you're experiencing - it's a collective experience. What is happening right now has always been the case, but it is currently amplified by social media, people oversharing their thoughts and opinions and what the media is feeding us.

We are angry and we demand change. Yet some people are so against and resistant to good decision making, whether it affects developed or developing countries. We just hate to be wronged. It's in our nature. So stand up for our rights as humans, whether you are in America, Great Britain or Syria or anywhere in the world - please speak up.

From now on, I will be donating to @unicef @unicefwater monthly from now on and I urge you to pick a cause. Volunteer and help people in need. They need it. Remember, we are only human at the end of the day and wouldn't you want to look back and remember that you were a kind and generous human being? 100% Human. Take action.

Yours Sincerely,
Avalonne, human being

Please read:
https://www.congress.gov/bill/114th-congress/senate-bill/2848
http://www.nodapl.life/
http://www.takepart.com/lastcall/
http://www.slingshotdoc.com/
http://www.documentary.org/film/slingshot
http://www.mybkr.com/
http://www.swellbottle.com/
http://www.memobottle.com/
https://www.unicefusa.org/mission/usa/unicef-tap-project
https://www.watercache.com/blog/2011/10/must-see-water-documentaries-provide-insight-into-future-water-crisis

नमस्ते

I am bowing to you
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
Every day
Forever more
Ad infinitum
Do not be mistaken
by my kindness,
I am not weak,
I care,
For you.
Please
Do not reject me,
I wish you good.
Be better, kinder,
For yourself,
For others,
For the universe.
Sending you good vibes.
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
Namaste.
नमस्ते

A poem from the brain, heart, other organs and soul of Avalonne Hall 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Namaste
http://namastetruckee.com/namaste-defined
http://hinduism.about.com/od/artculture/p/namaste.htm
http://www.yogajournal.com/article/beginners/the-meaning-of-quot-namaste-quot/

Oh Merde!

Oh...
Merde!
Shite!
Scheiße!
Schijt!
Skit!
Skítur!
Skitt!
That is all...
Wait... 
What are we to do now?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit