Monday, November 13, 2017

I'm crying here.

TVB had some incredible TV shows when I was growing up as an impressionable child in the '90s and early 2000s. Namely Return of the Cuckoo (十月初五的月光). These shows were pretty cheesy, but I grew up with these shows, it helped me learn Cantonese and all these ideas about love. Maybe they screwed me up, but I can't blame them for giving me unrealistic ideas of love. Love is too broad, vast, universal. Every experience of love is unique and I've learned to accept that.

Recently, I've been obsessively listening to Cantopop, because I'm going back to Hong Kong next week. This time next week I'll be on a plane for 18 hours. I'm really looking forward to being home, to be with my family for an extended period of time. I get to see friends and discover more of Hong Kong. I feel really blessed to spend this chapter of my life surrounded by the people I love and who love me. Hong Kong is my home, but it's also not, because I've never lived or worked there. I want to fall madly in love with Hong Kong. I can't wait.

This year has been a rollercoaster ride. A few ups and mostly downs, then a major up starting in October. In fact, it all started in November 2015. I've managed to turn it around. Slowly, I'm finding my way and I'll be able to pave a clear path for myself. I've been trying really hard to live courageously, but it turns out that I was living passively. I was mostly observing others and living vicariously through others and not being an active participant in my own life. It's pretty ironic, since I made a short film called Shyness, which is a reminder to live consciously. Well, I've been failing miserably my whole life, but I know it's never too late to be bold, to make a change, to take action.

I've decided to make a conscious decision to live courageously. I think the moment I allowed myself to take action in certain aspects of my life, it empowered me tremendously. Sometimes you take a leap of faith and it pays off immediately. Sometimes you fall flat on your face, but you still pick yourself up, because you're an independent, self sufficient human being. I don't need to be rescued per se, but it's good to know that you have people in your life that you can count on. Life can be particularly lonely, if you don't have special people in it. I would know. I'll save that for another day.

I just want to know that I'm a good human and at the end of the day, I'll look back and know that.