Men vs. Women

Sunday, November 19, 2017

So much truth. A few standup routines that entertained me this week. Main theme? Men vs. women. Enough said.

Can you adopt me, Elon?

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Dad? Friends? Besties? xoxo

The Secret to Happiness

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Why are you so funny, Jim Jefferies? Obsessively watching his standup and show. Can't stop laughing.

Existential Despair

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

"Let each one learn what he can; both of us can learn that a person’s unhappiness never lies in his lack of control over external conditions, since this would only make him completely unhappy." ― Søren Kierkegaard 

As Kierkegaard defines it in Either/Or: "Let each one learn what he can; both of us can learn that a person’s unhappiness never lies in his lack of control over external conditions, since this would only make him completely unhappy."[37] In Works of Love, he said:

When the God-forsaken worldliness of earthly life shuts itself in complacency, the confined air develops poison, the moment gets stuck and stands still, the prospect is lost, a need is felt for a refreshing, enlivening breeze to cleanse the air and dispel the poisonous vapors lest we suffocate in worldliness. ... Lovingly to hope all things is the opposite of despairingly to hope nothing at all. Love hopes all things—yet is never put to shame. To relate oneself expectantly to the possibility of the good is to hope. To relate oneself expectantly to the possibility of evil is to fear. By the decision to choose hope one decides infinitely more than it seems, because it is an eternal decision. pp. 246–50

Just reading about Existential Despair on a Wednesday morning. Can't help but feel the need to address the human condition and my own internal struggles. This comes from the desire to live an authentic life, but there are so many obstacles that get in the way. I need to read and re-read Kierkegaard's quote to fully understand this notion. Maybe humans are just unhappy knowing how meaningless life is. Is life getting more meaningless by the day? I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I'm really trying to search for answers here. Existential despair is a little heavy for first thing in the morning reading.

I am going through an existential crisis, but it's not as bad as it was earlier this year. Earlier, I was going through a very dark time that led me to reading a lot about the below. I'm not sure at the time if it really helped me to know more about the effects of major sleep deprivation or prolonged isolation. It may have heightened the feeling of loneliness and lack of purpose even more. Now I know that I had to go through that and get to where I am at this point of my life. If I didn't go through those months of despair, I wouldn't have arrived at this moment of despair. Life will always be full of despair, but that's how you learn to appreciate the good things.

An existential crisis may result from, be misdiagnosed as, or be comorbid with:[citation needed]
  • Major depressive disorder
  • Major sleep deprivation
  • Prolonged isolation
  • Dissatisfaction with one's life
  • Major psychological trauma
  • The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
  • A new-found grasp or appreciation of one's mortality, perhaps following diagnosis of a major health concern such as a terminal illness;
  • Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning;
  • Searching for the meaning of life;
  • Shattering of one's sense of reality, or how the world is;
  • An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;
  • Realizing that the Universe is more complex, mysterious, larger and beyond current human understanding;

There are so many good things in life and my own life. I choose to prioritize the good things and I choose to be a good person. I want to make good choices, in order to avoid "drama". I've realized that I don't believe in Karma wholeheartedly, because life is just too random. Sometimes I fear that I believe in nothing, yet I'm trying so hard to assign meaning to the universe. There are so many signs, but sometimes I'm scared to think there is a meaning behind that sign. I want to believe that the universe is listening to me. I do believe in cause and effect, because the universe needs to be governed by something. We can't rely on luck to help us get to our destination.

Am I ready to go out into the world today? Knowing I am responsible for giving meaning to life, living life passionately, sincerely and authentically and that everything else around me is beyond my control. I just have to accept life as it is and rise above it and live it. All I can do is to continue to live consciously, confidently, compassionately, courageously.

Today will be a good day. 
This is why life is worth living.
Fuck despair.

I saw a tree…

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

I saw a tree that was greater than all others
and hung full of cones out of reach;
I saw a tall church with open door
and all who came out were pale and strong
and ready to die;
I saw a woman who smiling and rouged
threw dice for her luck
and saw she had lost.
A circle was drawn around these things
that no one crosses over. 
Poems (1916), by Edith Södergran


Monday, November 13, 2017

I'm crying here.

TVB had some incredible TV shows when I was growing up as an impressionable child in the '90s and early 2000s. Namely Return of the Cuckoo (十月初五的月光). These shows were pretty cheesy, but I grew up with these shows, it helped me learn Cantonese and all these ideas about love. Maybe they screwed me up, but I can't blame them for giving me unrealistic ideas of love. Love is too broad, vast, universal. Every experience of love is unique and I've learned to accept that.

Recently, I've been obsessively listening to Cantopop, because I'm going back to Hong Kong next week. This time next week I'll be on a plane for 18 hours. I'm really looking forward to being home, to be with my family for an extended period of time. I get to see friends and discover more of Hong Kong. I feel really blessed to spend this chapter of my life surrounded by the people I love and who love me. Hong Kong is my home, but it's also not, because I've never lived or worked there. I want to fall madly in love with Hong Kong. I can't wait.

This year has been a rollercoaster ride. A few ups and mostly downs, then a major up starting in October. In fact, it all started in November 2015. I've managed to turn it around. Slowly, I'm finding my way and I'll be able to pave a clear path for myself. I've been trying really hard to live courageously, but it turns out that I was living passively. I was mostly observing others and living vicariously through others and not being an active participant in my own life. It's pretty ironic, since I made a short film called Shyness, which is a reminder to live consciously. Well, I've been failing miserably my whole life, but I know it's never too late to be bold, to make a change, to take action.

I've decided to make a conscious decision to live courageously. I think the moment I allowed myself to take action in certain aspects of my life, it empowered me tremendously. Sometimes you take a leap of faith and it pays off immediately. Sometimes you fall flat on your face, but you still pick yourself up, because you're an independent, self sufficient human being. I don't need to be rescued per se, but it's good to know that you have people in your life that you can count on. Life can be particularly lonely, if you don't have special people in it. I would know. I'll save that for another day.

I just want to know that I'm a good human and at the end of the day, I'll look back and know that.


Sunday, November 12, 2017

With moments SPARKED by freedoms glow
SHE LIVES floated on moments
Along a river OF mindful grace
Hydrating THE MOST DISTANT lover's eye
with visions to achieve
the depths OF HER minds every creation
and hearts one desire:
To live IN LOVE WITHIN and all around

I love a beautiful story and inspiration behind a fragrance. I've fallen head over heels in love with NO MATTER WHAT by Nana de Bary. NO MATTER WHAT aims at creative women who carry inspiration in their hearts; those of independent spirit and unwavering willpower.

That's me. I will continue to live my life with independent spirit and unwavering willpower, because I know life is worth living.

Fly Me To The Moon

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Oh, it's often used many words
To say a simple thing
It takes thought and time
And rhyme to make a poem sing

With music and words
I've been playing
For you, I have written a song
To be sure that you know
What I'm saying, I'll translate
As I go along

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Mistakes, Missteps, Mishaps = Life

Friday, November 10, 2017

"What did you make today?" Mistakes.

I realized that I've been way too hard on myself for all these years. I realized that I will make mistakes in life, because I am human. We all make mistakes. I have always made myself feel like shit for making mistakes, like there is no excuse for it. It would ruin my day completely, but now I've come to the conclusion that making mistakes is a good thing. It teaches us to fix them and/or never to repeat them. I am referring to mistakes that don't involve crime, violence, murder, manslaughter, etc.

As a "normal" member of society (excluding zero remorse murderers, criminals, abusers, etc.), we make mistakes in life: at our job, with friends, with family, with lovers, but hopefully nothing in life is irrevocable. We should always strive to do the right thing. I know I've made some mistakes and I wish I could apologize for them and rectify them, but sometimes time heals things and maybe an apology is not necessary anymore. I would hope my true friends will forgive me for any mistakes or pain I may have caused (by accident, never intentionally).

Some bonds are stronger than pain, anguish, sadness, misery, but some bonds may need to be severed. The last few months have taught me to distinguish between the two. Some bonds will last a lifetime and those are the bonds I will cherish forever. This year was the most challenging year of my life. I didn't imagine that it would be more challenging than 2016. This year saw the biggest dip I've ever had in my life. Imagine the financial crash of 1987 or 2007-2008, but it was an emotional crash. I saw some dark times and had to deal with them with little to no help at all. It was a rough period, but I managed to get myself out of it.

Every time I get myself out of it, it almost seems like a miracle. But the crashes have been getting harder and the down period lasts so much longer. It's an inner turmoil, as well as what's happening externally. What was happening in my career or job, what was/is happening in the world and this country. I had to turn away from social media to escape the constant barrage of information. All this "fake news" business; it was just sensory overload. No wonder I crashed. As an ENFJ, I need time to recharge my energy, because I had completely drained it to negative 75%. It took months and months to recharge and feel like a partial human again.

It was a terribly lonely time, but I made it through. I guess the older we get, the harder it gets and once you get a grip, it may become easier in certain aspects. But on the flip side, we may start to feel it in our bodies. Getting aches in places and our brain functionality may start to slow down, etc. That's another stress that weighs heavily on my mind. I've managed to convince myself that I'm not afraid of getting older, but that's a lie. Not only am I afraid of death, I'm afraid of the aging process. I'm afraid of failing organs and failing memory. One day, my life could become a blur. Watch Still Alice and you will feel the pain that (early-onset) Alzheimer's causes.

I'm obsessing now. It's never too late to get healthy: to eat well, drink more water, sleep a healthy 7-8 hours, exercise (that is key), stretch and get active, take supplements, meditate and just enjoy life. I may be a bit of a hypochondriac, but I'm also someone who loves life and will dare to jump and fall face flat. Because life is too short and if I never do anything risky, I may never know the feeling of success and reward. I'm always willing to take a leap of faith and I'm ready. I'm ready for you, universe. Life is complicated, but we can't be too upset when we make mistakes.

Own them and be proud of them,
They shape who we are. 
If you think about it, we're all here by accident. 
What a beautiful and poetic way to view life. 
What did you make today?

Right Now

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Right Now

"And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"  Kurt Vonnegut 

"To die... before the harvest. The crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat. Wheat. All there is in life is wheat.... Oh, wheat! Lots of wheat! Fields of wheat! A tremendous amount of wheat... Yellow wheat. Red wheat. Wheat with feathers. Cream of wheat."

Thursday, November 9th, 2017 was one of the most special days of my life. I will cherish it as long as my brain is functioning! Sometimes you must exclaim and express it when you're feeling this way. The feelings are strong! Never let this feeling fade, please. Life is happening right now. It's in constant motion. It's fleeting. It's slipping through our fingers and we just want this moment to last forever. Well, nothing lasts forever, but I think a feeling can linger.

Shall I delude myself or just accept the fact that life is out of my control? Whatever happens in my life or in life in general, I will always remind myself to stop and notice when I am happy and exclaim at the top of my lungs 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.' I feel really happy and grateful beyond words. This is the type of high that I live for, this is what makes life worth living.

Right now.

Sometimes you must dare to jump

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

"When was the last time you got hurt?"

Physically or emotionally? Well, last night, I had the most epic fall. Let me rewind to the beginning of the day. Every morning, I have a habit of checking Twitter, reading the news and some motivational quotes to get my day going. "You cannot always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump." I thought to myself, "This is super poignant and relevant to my current situation, I must take this into consideration." But it's not like I took immediate action with that notion. I just let it sink in and went on with my day.

My day was filled with gratitude and awareness of my life. I felt happy, satisfied, inspired. And then last night, I was with a friend at an event in Tribeca. It was so not my scene, but at least I got good company and French electronica music out of it. When we left, it was still raining and super windy. My umbrella had flipped and I was getting frustrated with the moment. I thought I'd lighten the mood by running in the rain as quickly as possible towards the subway entrance. I thought it would be funny and fun. Fun turned into an epic soaring through the air, hitting the ground full force and sliding on the slippery subway grate. I landed at least 6 feet from where I kicked off my fall. I was like a kamikaze Olympic long jumper.

It was the single most painful and impactful experience I've ever had. I don't tend to injure myself (knock on wood), so it was quite dramatic. I am really not accident prone, in fact, I try to avoid that as much as possible. My immediate reaction was "I'm fine!" I don't want anyone to think I'm not fine or hurt. But I was hurting, limping and I lifted up my pants and my knee was bloodied by the fall. I'd scraped my left hand, right elbow and the left knee got it the worst. It took the most impact when I hit the ground. It could have been way worse. I could have smashed my face (and my glasses) and that would have ruined my night. I was also concerned about my bag and my favorite pink Nike sneakers. Am I crazy? Plus I was drenched because I fell on the ground! The New York City sidewalk.

Afterwards, I started to analyze why did this happen to me? Was it Karma? Was the universe saying something to me? Why did I fall in such a dramatic fashion? Then I remembered the quote from the morning. "Sometimes you must dare to jump." Oh I jumped! I jumped, fell, got hurt, but picked myself up. I am independent and self sufficient. No matter what happens to me, I'll be fine. It's a metaphor for my life, that's for sure. I think there may be more to the incident and my fall. I think the universe is telling me something else... Regardless, I have a swollen knee and elbow, which means I have to take a break from barre and tennis. Now that bums me out. I shall rest and let my wounds recover. Now isn't that another metaphor for life. I'm still letting old wounds heal. Some are still healing. Hopefully this physical wound heals faster than my emotional ones.

Take care out there. 
Don't run in the rain. 
You will get hurt. 
Don't let that happen. 
Be safe, be happy, be brave.
But whatever happens...
You must dare to jump!


Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Today, I'm grateful that I am bilingual. I can understand and speak Chinese (Cantonese and passable Mandarin). I grew up watching both English/American/Western and Chinese/Cantonese/Mandarin television shows and films. I learned Chinese through TV and karaoke (believe it or not). I think being bilingual is one of my secret weapons. I'd feel "wrong" if I only knew one language. I could elaborate on wrong, I'd feel inadequate if I wasn't bilingual. That's not to say I don't think people, who only speak one language, are inadequate. I just love the fact that I could have a private conversation with a friend in Cantonese if I need to.

Granted, my Cantonese is not very strong, but I'm practicing now and I feel more confident in using colloquialism and curse words. This opening theme song from My Fair Princess is one of my favorite song lyrics from a television show. It's one of the best lyrics in general, because there is so much depth and beauty encapsulated in the words. Thank you sky, thank you land, thank you destiny for allowing us to meet. How can you not be swayed by such poetry? I'm in awe of these beautiful words and I always knew the meaning behind them, even when I was young.

I grew up watching this show when I was in elementary school. Can't believe I'm 20 years older and still listening to the same song. Not only am I 20 years older, so are Vicki Zhao, Ruby Lin, Fan Bing Bing, etc. How time flies? I am grateful to remember the show fondly, to recall how it taught me about the Qing Dynasty, about love, family, friendship, happiness, struggle, pain, anguish, sadness. The lyrics really express all these themes so elegantly and articulately. I'm grateful that I'm alive and it was my destiny to meet you, whoever you are, we are destined to be in each other's lives. Someday.

  • 感谢天 感谢地 感谢命运 让我们相遇
  • gan xie tian gan xie di gan xie ming yun rang wo men xiang yu
  • 自从有了你 生命里都是奇迹
  • zi cong you liao ni sheng ming li du shi qi ji
  • 多少痛苦 多少欢笑 交织成一片灿烂的记忆
  • duo shao tong ku duo shao huan xiao jiao zhi cheng yi pian can lan de ji yi
  • 感谢风 感谢云 感谢阳光 照射着大地
  • gan xie feng gan xie yun gan xie yang guang zhao she zhuo da di
  • 自从有了你 世界变得好美丽
  • zi cong you liao ni shi jie bian de hao mei li
  • 一起漂泊 一起流浪 岁月里全是醉人的甜蜜
  • yi qi piao bo yi qi liu lang sui yue li quan shi zui ren de tian mi
  • 海可枯 石可烂 天可崩 地可裂
  • hai ke ku shi ke lan tian ke beng di ke lie
  • 我们肩并着肩 手牵着手
  • wo men jian bing zhuo jian shou qian zhuo shou
  • 海可枯 石可烂 天可崩 地可裂
  • hai ke ku shi ke lan tian ke beng di ke lie
  • 我们肩并着肩 手牵着手 手牵着手.....
  • wo men jian bing zhuo jian shou qian zhuo shou shou qian zhuo shou .....
  • 踏遍天涯 访遍夕阳 歌遍云和月
  • ta bian tian ya fang bian xi yang ge bian yun he yue

    Monday, November 6, 2017

    My heart is starting to ache again. I hate feelings. I hate these feelings. Why am I not capable of controlling my emotions? Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because I'm human? I wish I was a robot. I always joke that I'm dead inside and that I'm a robot, but I've just been in total denial. I protect myself from potential hurt and disappointment, so I've managed to convince myself for years that I am impenetrable. What a fucking lie.

    I've been a victim of Stockholm Syndrome of a tug of war between my head and heart. Does that make sense? My head and heart have been fighting ever since child development. But we all suffer from this. I'm just trying to stay afloat and manage my expectations. I want to find a happy medium between expectation and reality, but maybe I'll never find it. I either want to be a hopelessly romantic idealist or a robotic, cold and pragmatic realist. Why can't I find a balance between the two?

    I'm really confused and lost (again), but I'm finding my way. It's ironic how I'm good at navigating geographically and in the physical world, but when it comes to my purpose in life and my feelings... I'm hopeless. I've realized that I've learned so much just by living and I'm usually the one who doles out advice like I'm such an expert on life. But in reality, I'm terrible at taking my own advice and applying it to my heart, to my life. I think most of us have this problem though.

    I'm trying my best to be proactive and condition myself to believe and take action. Last month, I did one of the most courageous things in my life. I'm very proud of myself for believing in myself, valuing and respecting myself enough to say "Enough is enough / Too little too late / I deserve better!" I know I'm capable of taking control of my own life and someday, I may be able to take control of my emotions, be able to be open and vulnerable and cautious and vigilant at the same time. My heart deserves better. It deserves to ache for something worthy.

    Life is too short to be scared all the time. 
    Time to take chances and take action. 
    Be courageous with your life. 

    A History of Errors (Why Didn't They Laugh)

    Sunday, November 5, 2017

    This week, I was in desperate need of intelligence, wit and laughter.

    I love discovering (new) comedians and on Friday, Owen Benjamin appeared on the YouTube homepage for me. I've been telling my friends about him ever since. I'm in awe of people who are so in tune with the human condition, who can turn the dark side of life into pure comedy genius. I love that I will periodically discover new comedians, I prefer this to constantly being bombarded by them like on Netflix. Why? Because I'm really picky. Let's just say I'm selective. I'm selective with my friends, I'm selective with the men I like, I'm selective with my comedians.

    I'm not a comedy slut. I don't laugh at any and every joke. I appreciate thought, craft and intellect when it comes to comedy; whether it's standup, improv, sketch, etc. There is just so much comedy out there, it drives me insane. It's the same for any kind of medium, you just have to filter through it and find the things that appeal to you. I guess the universe decided to put Owen Benjamin in my stream of consciousness and now I feel like I found a comedian who speaks the same language as me.

    His material is spot on and his sense of humor is direct, thoughtful and pure honesty. I appreciate his level of honesty. Don't fucking sugarcoat it, why bother? People can be so sensitive and I think it's better to face the ugly truth than cower behind a fake facade of bullshit! There is just so much bullshit in the world, it's nice to face it and confront that shit! I was never the most confrontational person, but over the years, I've been training myself to face the music. I'm slowly getting there.

    Comedy helps me. It's my therapy. It's gives me new perspective and it makes me want to be a better human. I guess that's why I admire Woody Allen. Despite his controversies, he is still creating. As an audience, I choose to respect that and separate his personal life with his craft. Who doesn't have controversies in Hollywood? It's a dark, dark, dark and fucked up town. Both men and women have dark secrets and some may come out and some may be kept hidden in the dark forever. Well, whatever happens in life, I just want to laugh once in a while. If the comedy is quick-witted, intelligent, smart, honest, well, then I need it in my life!

    How to be married and not be murdered

    Saturday, November 4, 2017

    Watch this unless you WANT to be murdered by the person you love. Watching "Snapped" on Oxygen has taught me a lot about life and survival.
    owenbenjamin.com for custom songs. Tell me what you want your song about, throw a tip in the jar, and i'll send you one.
    Subscribe to my podcast on iTunes http://bit.ly/owenbenjamin



    Friday, November 3, 2017


    "Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." ― Oprah Winfrey

    No questions today. Just pure acceptance and awareness of my breathing. Sometimes asking questions gets stressful, especially when you don't have answers. But what do I know for certain? Is that I have a set of lungs that allow me to breathe. I have a heart, a brain, nerves, hormones, limbs and everything else.

    I am a physical being. I own my body. I have feelings and thoughts, morality, ethics, principles and I choose to stand by them. I have knowledge and critical thinking abilities. I want to be a well-rounded human being and I choose to be open-minded and fascinated by the world around me.

    I love who I am and no one will ever change that. Accept yourself for who you are and if there is something you're self conscious about, admit it, accept it and find ways to improve upon it. We'll never be perfect, so get used to that idea and you'll be set free. 🙌

    Everything is fleeting

    Thursday, November 2, 2017

    “Life is made up of a collection of moments that are not ours to keep. The pain we encounter throughout our days spent on this earth comes from the illusion that some moments can be held onto. Clinging to people and experiences that were never ours in the first place is what causes us to miss out on the beauty of the miracle that is the now. All of this is yours, yet none of it is. How could it be? Look around you. Everything is fleeting.  

    To love and let go, love and let go, love and let go...it's the single most important thing we can learn in this lifetime.” ― Rachel Brathen

    #NYCStrong 🗽

    Wednesday, November 1, 2017

    #NYCStrong means that as New Yorkers we have to be strong and viligant. In the wake of this tragedy, we are left with broken hearts and souls. But we must remain strong, we must be resilient, we must be there for each other. When the news first broke, I received messages from 3 people; 2 in London and 1 in San Francisco.

    I was immediately alarmed, "why am I not getting alerts?" In this day and age, we need (expect) to be informed all the time, especially with this kind of breaking news. We received non-stop amber alerts 2 weeks ago, remember? It kept going off every 3 minutes?

    Imagine the chaos that ensued right at that moment at 3:05 pm EST, this happened on a bike lane and right by a high school as the students were leaving. And it was Halloween! How did the people in the area get alerted? It must have been horrific for bystanders and witnesses. I cannot imagine and am too scared to put myself in that mindset.

    I'm so heartbroken for all the victims and injured parties and friends and families of the victims. Tourists from Argentina and Belgium. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for all the people immediately impacted. What a heartbreaking day. It left me a little broken and scared, it made me

    I know we aren't constantly under threat unlike some countries, so I shouldn't take that for granted. However, I do seek out footage and photos from war torn countries, I am aware of the horrors in other countries. There is no excuse for that level of destruction. Regardless all our lives are fragile no matter where we were born or where we choose to live.

    Humans are fragile and our lives should be precious, but we live in a fucked up world where we are not valued as individuals. I'm not sure if we're valued as a society or race or even the human race. Humanity will keep going after we're dead, but at this rate, we may end up destroying our planet and our future.

    I fear for the sake of future generations, I fear they will have to live with the consequences of our current actions. I hope we can change and make a real change in our mindset and actions. We need to speak up and fight for our future. We need to take action. Because if we don't, we might as well give up and move to Mars.

    I hope as a human race, we are strong and resilient and we will band together to do the right thing. Do the right thing. Humans, we must do the right thing for our sake. Don't give up on ourselves. We've come this far and we're not about to fuck it up now. The future is right in front of us. We are pioneers. We are explorers. We are 100% human.

    Stay safe, stay healthy, be happy, be kind, please be a human.