Monday, November 6, 2017

My heart is starting to ache again. I hate feelings. I hate these feelings. Why am I not capable of controlling my emotions? Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because I'm human? I wish I was a robot. I always joke that I'm dead inside and that I'm a robot, but I've just been in total denial. I protect myself from potential hurt and disappointment, so I've managed to convince myself for years that I am impenetrable. What a fucking lie.

I've been a victim of Stockholm Syndrome of a tug of war between my head and heart. Does that make sense? My head and heart have been fighting ever since child development. But we all suffer from this. I'm just trying to stay afloat and manage my expectations. I want to find a happy medium between expectation and reality, but maybe I'll never find it. I either want to be a hopelessly romantic idealist or a robotic, cold and pragmatic realist. Why can't I find a balance between the two?

I'm really confused and lost (again), but I'm finding my way. It's ironic how I'm good at navigating geographically and in the physical world, but when it comes to my purpose in life and my feelings... I'm hopeless. I've realized that I've learned so much just by living and I'm usually the one who doles out advice like I'm such an expert on life. But in reality, I'm terrible at taking my own advice and applying it to my heart, to my life. I think most of us have this problem though.

I'm trying my best to be proactive and condition myself to believe and take action. Last month, I did one of the most courageous things in my life. I'm very proud of myself for believing in myself, valuing and respecting myself enough to say "Enough is enough / Too little too late / I deserve better!" I know I'm capable of taking control of my own life and someday, I may be able to take control of my emotions, be able to be open and vulnerable and cautious and vigilant at the same time. My heart deserves better. It deserves to ache for something worthy.

Life is too short to be scared all the time. 
Time to take chances and take action. 
Be courageous with your life.