Flight to Star Cluster Westerlund 2

Monday, October 30, 2017

Take me to space right now, because sometimes I'm sick of being here. No, not sick of it, but I would just love to escape for a short period of time. Do you ever feel that way?

This visualization provides a three-dimensional perspective on Hubble's 25th anniversary image of the nebula Gum 29 with the star cluster Westerlund 2 at its core. The flight traverses the foreground stars and approaches the lower left rim of the nebula Gum 29. Passing through the wispy darker clouds on the near side, the journey reveals bright gas illuminated by the intense radiation of the newly formed stars of cluster Westerlund 2. Within the nebula, several pillars of dark, dense gas are being shaped by the energetic light and strong stellar winds from the brilliant cluster of thousands of stars. Note that the visualization is intended to be a scientifically reasonable interpretation and that distances within the model are significantly compressed. 

 Credit: NASA, ESA, G. Bacon, L. Frattare, Z. Levay, and F. Summers (Viz3D Team, STScI), and J. Anderson (STScI) 

 Acknowledgment: The Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA), A. Nota (ESA/STScI), the Westerlund 2 Science Team, and ESO

But Not for Me

Saturday, October 28, 2017

They're writing songs of love, but not for me.
A lucky star's above, but not for me.
With love to lead the way
I've found more clouds of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee.
I was a fool to fall and get that way;
Heigh-ho! Alas! And also, lack-a-day!
Although I can't dismiss the memory of his kiss, I guess he's mot for me.
He's knocking on a door, but not for me.
He'll plan a two by four, but not for me.  
I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
Was I the moth or flame?
I'm all at sea.
It all began so well, but what an end!
This is the time a feller needs a friend,
When every happy plot ends with the marriage knot,
And there's no knot for me.

Battle of the Sexes

Monday, October 23, 2017

"Champions keep playing until they get it right." ― Billie Jean King

You know what? I managed to turn my day around. It was like magic. Disregard the earlier entry, because now I'm feeling empowered, inspired and happy. And I know that this feeling will last. Heartbreak? What heartbreak?! Not only is this is really good film, but the actual story of Billie Jean King is so remarkable. I'm genuinely in awe of her achievements on and off the tennis court. She was 29 when she beat Bobby Riggs. I'm turning 29 in an hour and all I can say is this year ahead will be the most creatively and mentally challenging and productive year. I'm really looking forward to pushing myself closer to my goals.

The moment I left the apartment, I knew exactly how I wanted to feel today. I wanted to feel like I have a purpose, a motivation, an agenda. I didn't want to feel like a victim or helpless. Every choice I made was for me, myself and I. This is how you're meant to treat yourself with respect and kindness. I will continue to have self respect and will not care about what anyone thinks of me.

To womankind! To equality! To feminism! I will climb all the mountains, jump over every hurdle, tackle every single challenge that comes my way. I dare to risk it, have courage, be who I am! <3

If I dare to ask it
Then I dare it to be true
If I dare to risk it
Then I know that I'm willing to
If I dare to want this
To want more than I have
Then I dare to believe
I'll have it in the end

You climbed the mountain
Sent pictures of the view
And still can't believe when
I started climbing too
You haven't heard that
I'm not afraid to fall
That I'm not deterred yet
Until I tell them all

I am holding out
For more than what I have now
I'm holding out

I don't want your pity
I won't use your little scraps
I don't build my cities
With what could get taken back
I don't need permission
To rise up when it hurts
You don't have to listen
But you'll hear me mark my words

I am holding out
For more than what I have now
I'm holding out

When the room gets dark and I am quiet
There's a voice that's soft like someone's silhouette
Sayin' don't let me go yet

I am holding out
I am holding out
For more than what I have now
I'm holding out

If I dare to ask it
Then I dare it to be true
If I dare to risk it
Then I know that I'm willing to
If I dare to want this
To want more than I have
Then I dare to believe
I'll have it in the end

Heartbreak 💔

Sunday, October 22, 2017

For as long as I can remember, I've had to turn my heartbreak into something pragmatic, creative and therapeutic. This prompted me to write and direct my short film Shyness. Then that whole experience broke my heart, because it made me realize I wasn't a filmmaker. That was one of the bigger heartbreaking personal experiences for me, because I always wanted to be a director. It was my dream ever since I was young.

I do have a habit of turning my heartbreak, pain and anguish into writing. I enjoy and appreciate irreverent humor and writing, because you can take a serious subject matter and put a spin on it, whilst being a bit callous and insensitive (when in fact it's breaking my heart). Writing candidly has allowed me to interpret, observe, perceive the universe and existence in a unique way. At least it feels different to me compared to others.

So why do our hearts break? Are they capable of breaking? Mine feels shattered into a million pieces or stomped on by a million people, by individuals and by humanity. But I refuse to think of myself as some wallowing, self loathing, pathetic victim. Because I am not a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I'm alive and well and albeit a little miserable, but I have all my limbs, my sight, hearing, sense of smell, taste and touch. I will not be ungrateful. The sad truth is we all get our hearts broken and ultimately, it may be a reflection of life itself and possibly how we perceive our own self worth.

I've always told myself that I deserve better. But deep down, I'm not sure that I believe myself entirely. Because I would rather wander this universe like a lone wolf. But lucky or unlucky for me, I had my very own wolf in sheep's clothing encounter recently. He looked all innocent and harmless enough, like he wouldn't hurt a fly. I did notice a few small red flags and possible deal breakers, but I chose to ignore my intuition. I completely dismissed them for a glimmer of hope that this human could possibly care about me one day. I was wrong and have been every time (three times to be exact).

Three times may seem like nothing, but three times did make a huge (positive and negative) impact on my life and mindset, my thoughts on modern relationships, future relationships and my absolute stance that I would rather be single and independent, than put myself out there... again... If you know me at all, I am the most (involuntarily and sometimes by choice) picky and particular person in the world and somehow I chose three people and they all decided that I just wasn't good enough for them. Well, c'est la vie.

It's all in the timing. It's just never the right time and no matter who you marry or grow old with, we will all eventually die... alone. I might as well let my heart heal until the possible chance that I could someday hope to feel like a wholehearted human again. I want my heart to get better and it doesn't help that I have a mysterious heart condition (left axis deviation, possibly caused by Wolff–Parkinson–White syndrome). Fine... I feel weak and I'm admitting here, I am weak and vulnerable. I am tired of being strong and pretending I'm okay all the time. I'm only human and I'm a feeling human for that matter. Enough with my unnecessary act of confession.

Goodbye, off to the Planetarium to feel more.

Lost in Translation

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Lost in Translation

Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be.

Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

Three weeks ago, I was feeling dazed, lost and confused. Now I feel like I have more direction than I've ever had in my life. The feeling is liberating and exhilarating to know that I don't feel hopeless anymore. Maybe it's because I have a birthday coming up and this time of the year, I always feel acutely aware of my existence. Which is why I made my short film Shyness.

Lost in Translation reminds me that no matter at what age, we all get a little lost in life. People, jobs, things come and go out of our life. The earth is spinning at a million miles an hour (1000-miles an hour to be more accurate or 30 kilometers per second) and it's hard to let go of the past and live in the now and predict the future. Therefore, it's almost exhausting to have that acute level of self awareness and introspection. My brain has been activated and there is no off switch. So I'll just channel myself and write myself into submission. Studies show humans use 10% of the brain, but right now, I feel like my brain is so stimulated, it's on overdrive.

I need to slow down... before I crash.

Funny, Lucy (dir. Luc Besson) is played by Scarlett Johansson. Maybe I am somehow connected to her. I love Lost in Translation, Her, Scoop and I just recently re-watched He's Just Not That Into You and Match Point for research purposes. Why does she keep getting cast as the "other woman". Granted her filmography is very diverse and I appreciate her badass female roles, but I wouldn't want a reputation for playing the other woman/adulterer type. Well, she doesn't care what I have to say... I should re-watch Ghost World, I haven't seen it since boarding school. I remember connecting with all the characters. I love that feeling when a story and the characters resonate with you on a personal level. I miss that kind of moviegoing experience.

Now that I'm in a much better mental state, I can start to pick up the pieces. I will slowly put everything back together and hopefully form a more solid puzzle. Life is a giant puzzle and it's easy to break everything apart, but our endurance and perseverance is what makes us unique as individuals. I refuse to be a quitter, but I have to care for myself, before I lose myself completely to something that isn't worth it. I am strong and I will fight for my beliefs, morals, principles, because I want to be a decent human being with integrity. #whyislifeworthliving


Friday, October 20, 2017


Haha. Never fails to make me laugh.

Letting go...

Thursday, October 19, 2017

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  Steve Maraboli


Monday, October 2, 2017

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Maya Angelou

Something wasn't working in my life, therefore I finally did something to change it. I finally took action for once in my life and it actually felt very empowering and liberating. I don't feel regret or ambivalence. I feel free and assured of my decision. Change is scary and intimidating, but I'm really good at adapting to change. I'm a survivalist, until my survival skills start to harm me, because I refuse to admit to my weaknesses and humanness. But I fucking realized I am NOT a robot, I am NOT a machine. I'm made of flesh and bone and my health is now deteriorating and it's fucked up.

I've survived and tried and pushed myself to the limits. Have you ever reached that point in your life before? Well, as of today, I told myself enough is enough. I think we all suffer quietly and silently and live our lives with such a lack of purpose or little to no purpose. It's a terrifying notion really. On Sunday night and then early Monday morning, I realized that I had no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. First of all, I am NOT sleeping. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, but last week I averaged less than 2 hours a day. I bought a fitbit to track my sleep and weight. Over the course of 6 weeks, I managed to sleep less and less and lose a significant amount of weight. I allowed myself to develop a sleeping and eating disorder and I haven't recovered from it.

This has been an extremely rough period of my life, which was all suppressed up till Monday early morning when it all finally caused my mental breakdown. It's not like I had a psychotic break, but I'd never felt that alone and worst, lonely, in my entire life. I felt like I had no purpose or reason to live anymore and I am a fucking existentialist. Every day I remind myself that life IS worth living, but during my mental breakdown, I had really dark thoughts, which I will admit here publicly for the first time ever. No - I wasn't suicidal, quite the opposite actually. I genuinely had thoughts that if I die right now, NO ONE would know or discover that until they realized that I've disappeared completely. That is hard to admit to myself, my family and friends and whoever is out there.

If I die, then I'd be dead. I think this fear has contributed to my sleep deprivation as well. I genuinely fear that if I fall asleep, I will not wake up. This is NOT okay. I know I'm not the only one who has fears about death, but since we're on the subject of death,  I think I've finally realized how my depression works now. Over time, I've managed to analyze my depressive behavior. This is going to sound bizarre, but I think it actually makes sense. So here goes: when I go through my depression/the lowest of the low, all I feel is numbness and complete lack of interest to anything and everything. This is not through intent, but completely involuntary. I lose my ability to communicate with people (family, friends, co-workers) and I am at a constant loss of words. I'm in constant state of deer in the headlights. I've managed to negatively impact my friendships due to this level of numbness and I wholeheartedly apologize to the friends that I've disappointed during those times.

On the other end of the spectrum, when I do manage to drag myself out of that rut and there's light shining into my life again, I'm able to experience feelings of happiness, joy and gratitude. Now this is the feeling that feels natural to me. I think this is my natural state of mind, but unfortunately, when I'm happy, I'm plagued by my fear of death more than ever. I actually believe that if I'm happy, my life will end in an instant. Everything I ever loved will be yanked away from me and it will all be over. I'll be forgotten and my life will have no legacy or place in anyone's minds. This is my actual reason why I had the mental breakdown. This is not something I share with people because... well... it's hard to admit your fears.

I finally discovered and made the correlation that when I'm depressed, I don't care if my life ends, but when I'm happy, I feel like death is around me. On Monday early morning, I realized that whether I'm happy or not, I know that if I don't look after my health right now, it doesn't matter if I'm happy, because I will be dead. So for anyone who didn't know any of this about me, now you know that I'm just a scared human, who has been suffering silently for my whole life. I am strong-willed and I always put on a brave face and I always put a smile on my face (in order to conceal all my fears and concerns), but I've reached my breaking point and I need to escape right now. I'm leaving this place for a period of time, because I need to focus on my recovery and I need to be around people who can look after me. I cannot look after myself right now.

This is the best decision I've ever made for myself. I know that I will be able to recover and feel better physically and mentally... soon enough. I didn't like something, so I changed it, because changing my attitude towards it ended up making it way worst. I've jeopardized my health, wellbeing and morals, so here is to change and new beginnings. I feel hope again.