Heartbreak 💔

Sunday, October 22, 2017

For as long as I can remember, I've had to turn my heartbreak into something pragmatic, creative and therapeutic. This prompted me to write and direct my short film Shyness. Then that whole experience broke my heart, because it made me realize I wasn't a filmmaker. That was one of the bigger heartbreaking personal experiences for me, because I always wanted to be a director. It was my dream ever since I was young.

I do have a habit of turning my heartbreak, pain and anguish into writing. I enjoy and appreciate irreverent humor and writing, because you can take a serious subject matter and put a spin on it, whilst being a bit callous and insensitive (when in fact it's breaking my heart). Writing candidly has allowed me to interpret, observe, perceive the universe and existence in a unique way. At least it feels different to me compared to others.

So why do our hearts break? Are they capable of breaking? Mine feels shattered into a million pieces or stomped on by a million people, by individuals and by humanity. But I refuse to think of myself as some wallowing, self loathing, pathetic victim. Because I am not a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I'm alive and well and albeit a little miserable, but I have all my limbs, my sight, hearing, sense of smell, taste and touch. I will not be ungrateful. The sad truth is we all get our hearts broken and ultimately, it may be a reflection of life itself and possibly how we perceive our own self worth.

I've always told myself that I deserve better. But deep down, I'm not sure that I believe myself entirely. Because I would rather wander this universe like a lone wolf. But lucky or unlucky for me, I had my very own wolf in sheep's clothing encounter recently. He looked all innocent and harmless enough, like he wouldn't hurt a fly. I did notice a few small red flags and possible deal breakers, but I chose to ignore my intuition. I completely dismissed them for a glimmer of hope that this human could possibly care about me one day. I was wrong and have been every time (three times to be exact).

Three times may seem like nothing, but three times did make a huge (positive and negative) impact on my life and mindset, my thoughts on modern relationships, future relationships and my absolute stance that I would rather be single and independent, than put myself out there... again... If you know me at all, I am the most (involuntarily and sometimes by choice) picky and particular person in the world and somehow I chose three people and they all decided that I just wasn't good enough for them. Well, c'est la vie.

It's all in the timing. It's just never the right time and no matter who you marry or grow old with, we will all eventually die... alone. I might as well let my heart heal until the possible chance that I could someday hope to feel like a wholehearted human again. I want my heart to get better and it doesn't help that I have a mysterious heart condition (left axis deviation, possibly caused by Wolff–Parkinson–White syndrome). Fine... I feel weak and I'm admitting here, I am weak and vulnerable. I am tired of being strong and pretending I'm okay all the time. I'm only human and I'm a feeling human for that matter. Enough with my unnecessary act of confession.

Goodbye, off to the Planetarium to feel more.