Monday, October 2, 2017

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Maya Angelou

Something wasn't working in my life, therefore I finally did something to change it. I finally took action for once in my life and it actually felt very empowering and liberating. I don't feel regret or ambivalence. I feel free and assured of my decision. Change is scary and intimidating, but I'm really good at adapting to change. I'm a survivalist, until my survival skills start to harm me, because I refuse to admit to my weaknesses and humanness. But I fucking realized I am NOT a robot, I am NOT a machine. I'm made of flesh and bone and my health is now deteriorating and it's fucked up.

I've survived and tried and pushed myself to the limits. Have you ever reached that point in your life before? Well, as of today, I told myself enough is enough. I think we all suffer quietly and silently and live our lives with such a lack of purpose or little to no purpose. It's a terrifying notion really. On Sunday night and then early Monday morning, I realized that I had no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. First of all, I am NOT sleeping. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, but last week I averaged less than 2 hours a day. I bought a fitbit to track my sleep and weight. Over the course of 6 weeks, I managed to sleep less and less and lose a significant amount of weight. I allowed myself to develop a sleeping and eating disorder and I haven't recovered from it.

This has been an extremely rough period of my life, which was all suppressed up till Monday early morning when it all finally caused my mental breakdown. It's not like I had a psychotic break, but I'd never felt that alone and worst, lonely, in my entire life. I felt like I had no purpose or reason to live anymore and I am a fucking existentialist. Every day I remind myself that life IS worth living, but during my mental breakdown, I had really dark thoughts, which I will admit here publicly for the first time ever. No - I wasn't suicidal, quite the opposite actually. I genuinely had thoughts that if I die right now, NO ONE would know or discover that until they realized that I've disappeared completely. That is hard to admit to myself, my family and friends and whoever is out there.

If I die, then I'd be dead. I think this fear has contributed to my sleep deprivation as well. I genuinely fear that if I fall asleep, I will not wake up. This is NOT okay. I know I'm not the only one who has fears about death, but since we're on the subject of death,  I think I've finally realized how my depression works now. Over time, I've managed to analyze my depressive behavior. This is going to sound bizarre, but I think it actually makes sense. So here goes: when I go through my depression/the lowest of the low, all I feel is numbness and complete lack of interest to anything and everything. This is not through intent, but completely involuntary. I lose my ability to communicate with people (family, friends, co-workers) and I am at a constant loss of words. I'm in constant state of deer in the headlights. I've managed to negatively impact my friendships due to this level of numbness and I wholeheartedly apologize to the friends that I've disappointed during those times.

On the other end of the spectrum, when I do manage to drag myself out of that rut and there's light shining into my life again, I'm able to experience feelings of happiness, joy and gratitude. Now this is the feeling that feels natural to me. I think this is my natural state of mind, but unfortunately, when I'm happy, I'm plagued by my fear of death more than ever. I actually believe that if I'm happy, my life will end in an instant. Everything I ever loved will be yanked away from me and it will all be over. I'll be forgotten and my life will have no legacy or place in anyone's minds. This is my actual reason why I had the mental breakdown. This is not something I share with people because... well... it's hard to admit your fears.

I finally discovered and made the correlation that when I'm depressed, I don't care if my life ends, but when I'm happy, I feel like death is around me. On Monday early morning, I realized that whether I'm happy or not, I know that if I don't look after my health right now, it doesn't matter if I'm happy, because I will be dead. So for anyone who didn't know any of this about me, now you know that I'm just a scared human, who has been suffering silently for my whole life. I am strong-willed and I always put on a brave face and I always put a smile on my face (in order to conceal all my fears and concerns), but I've reached my breaking point and I need to escape right now. I'm leaving this place for a period of time, because I need to focus on my recovery and I need to be around people who can look after me. I cannot look after myself right now.

This is the best decision I've ever made for myself. I know that I will be able to recover and feel better physically and mentally... soon enough. I didn't like something, so I changed it, because changing my attitude towards it ended up making it way worst. I've jeopardized my health, wellbeing and morals, so here is to change and new beginnings. I feel hope again.