Your Name

Saturday, April 8, 2017

As I'm writing this, I should clarify that it's actually Thursday, February 15th, 2018 today, but since I watched Your Name on Saturday, April 8th, 2017 at AMC Loews Kips Bays 15, I will be posting it as that date. I have a funny obsession with dates and time. I would go back and research to know when I did something, when I experienced something, when I discovered something. To me, these dates are meaningful to me. I want to remember specific details to make these memories more concrete. This is why I keep movie stubs. I keep a pretty thorough calendar. I would look at my YouTube/MoviePass/Seamless history and timestamps, just to go back in time to remember specific events in my life. That is exactly what Your Name captures...

When I first watched Your Name, I was not in a great place in my life. I was going through a very tough time by myself and I kept it mostly to myself. I didn't know how to talk to anyone about it, but I pushed myself through it. When you live alone (because none of your best friends are here) in a big city like New York, it feels very isolating. You fall into these habits and you can easily bury yourself in that state. I definitely fell really hard into this headspace and was stuck there for an extended period of time. So when I watched this film, I wasn't completely connecting to the story, but I felt the emotions through the beautiful visuals and music. The story covers a few too many themes, but overall, it tells a story of yearning. I think in life it's important to want something... it can be small or big, but wanting something gives us some purpose.

After watching it a second time in December, I felt more in tune with the emotions and the characters. It also brought me back to what I was going through in April. I remember that evening quite vividly. I remember where I had dinner beforehand. I remember that walk from Soba Totto to the movie theater. I remember texting my friend that I was going to see it. I hadn't texted this friend in a while, since I was going through something and he was going through something. But it connected us again. Also I remember I almost had to work that evening, but my boss went into work instead. I had worked so many weekends already, it was nice to just have an evening to myself and watch a film. How did I feel after the film? I felt... like the film captured so much magic, but it also made me question why there seems to be such a lack of magic in real life.

Listening to Radwimp's soundtrack, I feel like I'm frozen in time. If I'm perpetually stuck in a certain time, how would I want to be feeling? Ultimately, I just want to feel connected to something. Over the course of the last few years, I keep falling into a pattern. I feel numb, empty and disconnected. Everything seems fleeting. Nothing is concrete. Nothing is tangible, except the loneliness feels so palpable. This is why I watch films to feel connected to something. I'm yearning for security and stability and somehow I haven't been able to find what I'm looking for. It's a constant struggle and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. But I need to remind myself to take it day by day.

These thoughts are really scattered... It's like the needle in my internal compass is going haywire. Maybe certain things come into our lives when we're feeling most lost. If they manage to make an impact when you're feeling the lowest, maybe I wasn't that numb after all. I'm learning to come to terms with that... I need to learn to help myself understand.