Mistakes, Missteps, Mishaps = Life

"What did you make today?" Mistakes.

I realized that I've been way too hard on myself for all these years. I realized that I will make mistakes in life, because I am human. We all make mistakes. I have always made myself feel like shit for making mistakes, like there is no excuse for it. It would ruin my day completely, but now I've come to the conclusion that making mistakes is a good thing. It teaches us to fix them and/or never to repeat them. I am referring to mistakes that don't involve crime, violence, murder, manslaughter, etc.

As a "normal" member of society (excluding zero remorse murderers, criminals, abusers, etc.), we make mistakes in life: at our job, with friends, with family, with lovers, but hopefully nothing in life is irrevocable. We should always strive to do the right thing. I know I've made some mistakes and I wish I could apologize for them and rectify them, but sometimes time heals things and maybe an apology is not necessary anymore. I would hope my true friends will forgive me for any mistakes or pain I may have caused (by accident, never intentionally).

Some bonds are stronger than pain, anguish, sadness, misery, but some bonds may need to be severed. The last few months have taught me to distinguish between the two. Some bonds will last a lifetime and those are the bonds I will cherish forever. This year was the most challenging year of my life. I didn't imagine that it would be more challenging than 2016. This year saw the biggest dip I've ever had in my life. Imagine the financial crash of 1987 or 2007-2008, but it was an emotional crash. I saw some dark times and had to deal with them with little to no help at all. It was a rough period, but I managed to get myself out of it.

Every time I get myself out of it, it almost seems like a miracle. But the crashes have been getting harder and the down period lasts so much longer. It's an inner turmoil, as well as what's happening externally. What was happening in my career or job, what was/is happening in the world and this country. I had to turn away from social media to escape the constant barrage of information. All this "fake news" business; it was just sensory overload. No wonder I crashed. As an ENFJ, I need time to recharge my energy, because I had completely drained it to negative 75%. It took months and months to recharge and feel like a partial human again.

It was a terribly lonely time, but I made it through. I guess the older we get, the harder it gets and once you get a grip, it may become easier in certain aspects. But on the flip side, we may start to feel it in our bodies. Getting aches in places and our brain functionality may start to slow down, etc. That's another stress that weighs heavily on my mind. I've managed to convince myself that I'm not afraid of getting older, but that's a lie. Not only am I afraid of death, I'm afraid of the aging process. I'm afraid of failing organs and failing memory. One day, my life could become a blur. Watch Still Alice and you will feel the pain that (early-onset) Alzheimer's causes.

I'm obsessing now. It's never too late to get healthy: to eat well, drink more water, sleep a healthy 7-8 hours, exercise (that is key), stretch and get active, take supplements, meditate and just enjoy life. I may be a bit of a hypochondriac, but I'm also someone who loves life and will dare to jump and fall face flat. Because life is too short and if I never do anything risky, I may never know the feeling of success and reward. I'm always willing to take a leap of faith and I'm ready. I'm ready for you, universe. Life is complicated, but we can't be too upset when we make mistakes.

Own them and be proud of them,
They shape who we are. 
If you think about it, we're all here by accident. 
What a beautiful and poetic way to view life. 
What did you make today?
Mistakes!
#whyislifeworthliving

Right Now

"And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" ― Kurt Vonnegut 

"To die... before the harvest. The crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat. Wheat. All there is in life is wheat.... Oh, wheat! Lots of wheat! Fields of wheat! A tremendous amount of wheat... Yellow wheat. Red wheat. Wheat with feathers. Cream of wheat."

Thursday, November 9th, 2017 was one of the most special days of my life. I will cherish it as long as my brain is functioning! Sometimes you must exclaim and express it when you're feeling this way. The feelings are strong! Never let this feeling fade, please. Life is happening right now. It's in constant motion. It's fleeting. It's slipping through our fingers and we just want this moment to last forever. Well, nothing lasts forever, but I think a feeling can linger.

Shall I delude myself or just accept the fact that life is out of my control? Whatever happens in my life or in life in general, I will always remind myself to stop and notice when I am happy and exclaim at the top of my lungs 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.' I feel really happy and grateful beyond words. This is the type of high that I live for, this is what makes life worth living.

Right now.

Sometimes you must dare to jump

"When was the last time you got hurt?"

Physically or emotionally? Well, last night, I had the most epic fall. Let me rewind to the beginning of the day. Every morning, I have a habit of checking Twitter, reading the news and some motivational quotes to get my day going. "You cannot always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump." I thought to myself, "This is super poignant and relevant to my current situation, I must take this into consideration." But it's not like I took immediate action with that notion. I just let it sink in and went on with my day.

My day was filled with gratitude and awareness of my life. I felt happy, satisfied, inspired. And then last night, I was with a friend at an event in Tribeca. It was so not my scene, but at least I got good company and French electronica music out of it. When we left, it was still raining and super windy. My umbrella had flipped and I was getting frustrated with the moment. I thought I'd lighten the mood by running in the rain as quickly as possible towards the subway entrance. I thought it would be funny and fun. Fun turned into an epic soaring through the air, hitting the ground full force and sliding on the slippery subway grate. I landed at least 6 feet from where I kicked off my fall. I was like a kamikaze Olympic long jumper.

It was the single most painful and impactful experience I've ever had. I don't tend to injure myself (knock on wood), so it was quite dramatic. I am really not accident prone, in fact, I try to avoid that as much as possible. My immediate reaction was "I'm fine!" I don't want anyone to think I'm not fine or hurt. But I was hurting, limping and I lifted up my pants and my knee was bloodied by the fall. I'd scraped my left hand, right elbow and the left knee got it the worst. It took the most impact when I hit the ground. It could have been way worse. I could have smashed my face (and my glasses) and that would have ruined my night. I was also concerned about my bag and my favorite pink Nike sneakers. Am I crazy? Plus I was drenched because I fell on the ground! The New York City sidewalk.

Afterwards, I started to analyze why did this happen to me? Was it Karma? Was the universe saying something to me? Why did I fall in such a dramatic fashion? Then I remembered the quote from the morning. "Sometimes you must dare to jump." Oh I jumped! I jumped, fell, got hurt, but picked myself up. I am independent and self sufficient. No matter what happens to me, I'll be fine. It's a metaphor for my life, that's for sure. I think there may be more to the incident and my fall. I think the universe is telling me something else... Regardless, I have a swollen knee and elbow, which means I have to take a break from barre and tennis. Now that bums me out. I shall rest and let my wounds recover. Now isn't that another metaphor for life. I'm still letting old wounds heal. Some are still healing. Hopefully this physical wound heals faster than my emotional ones.

Take care out there. 
Don't run in the rain. 
You will get hurt. 
Don't let that happen. 
Be safe, be happy, be brave.
But whatever happens...
You must dare to jump!

自從有了你

Today, I'm grateful that I am bilingual. I can understand and speak Chinese (Cantonese and passable Mandarin). I grew up watching both English/American/Western and Chinese/Cantonese/Mandarin television shows and films. I learned Chinese through TV and karaoke (believe it or not). I think being bilingual is one of my secret weapons. I'd feel "wrong" if I only knew one language. I could elaborate on wrong, I'd feel inadequate if I wasn't bilingual. That's not to say I don't think people, who only speak one language, are inadequate. I just love the fact that I could have a private conversation with a friend in Cantonese if I need to.

Granted, my Cantonese is not very strong, but I'm practicing now and I feel more confident in using colloquialism and curse words. This opening theme song from My Fair Princess is one of my favorite song lyrics from a television show. It's one of the best lyrics in general, because there is so much depth and beauty encapsulated in the words. Thank you sky, thank you land, thank you destiny for allowing us to meet. How can you not be swayed by such poetry? I'm in awe of these beautiful words and I always knew the meaning behind them, even when I was young.

I grew up watching this show when I was in elementary school. Can't believe I'm 20 years older and still listening to the same song. Not only am I 20 years older, so are Vicki Zhao, Ruby Lin, Fan Bing Bing, etc. How time flies? I am grateful to remember the show fondly, to recall how it taught me about the Qing Dynasty, about love, family, friendship, happiness, struggle, pain, anguish, sadness. The lyrics really express all these themes so elegantly and articulately. I'm grateful that I'm alive and it was my destiny to meet you, whoever you are, we are destined to be in each other's lives. Someday.

感谢天 感谢地 感谢命运 让我们相遇

gan xie tian gan xie di gan xie ming yun rang wo men xiang yu

自从有了你 生命里都是奇迹

zi cong you liao ni sheng ming li du shi qi ji

多少痛苦 多少欢笑 交织成一片灿烂的记忆

duo shao tong ku duo shao huan xiao jiao zhi cheng yi pian can lan de ji yi

感谢风 感谢云 感谢阳光 照射着大地

gan xie feng gan xie yun gan xie yang guang zhao she zhuo da di

自从有了你 世界变得好美丽

zi cong you liao ni shi jie bian de hao mei li

一起漂泊 一起流浪 岁月里全是醉人的甜蜜

yi qi piao bo yi qi liu lang sui yue li quan shi zui ren de tian mi

海可枯 石可烂 天可崩 地可裂

hai ke ku shi ke lan tian ke beng di ke lie

我们肩并着肩 手牵着手

wo men jian bing zhuo jian shou qian zhuo shou

海可枯 石可烂 天可崩 地可裂

hai ke ku shi ke lan tian ke beng di ke lie

我们肩并着肩 手牵着手 手牵着手.....

wo men jian bing zhuo jian shou qian zhuo shou shou qian zhuo shou .....

踏遍天涯 访遍夕阳 歌遍云和月

ta bian tian ya fang bian xi yang ge bian yun he yue

F*CK LOVE F*CK FEELINGS

My heart is starting to ache again. I hate feelings. I hate these feelings. Why am I not capable of controlling my emotions? Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because I'm human? I wish I was a robot. I always joke that I'm dead inside and that I'm a robot, but I've just been in total denial. I protect myself from potential hurt and disappointment, so I've managed to convince myself for years that I am impenetrable. What a fucking lie.

I've been a victim of Stockholm Syndrome of a tug of war between my head and heart. Does that make sense? My head and heart have been fighting ever since child development. But we all suffer from this. I'm just trying to stay afloat and manage my expectations. I want to find a happy medium between expectation and reality, but maybe I'll never find it. I either want to be a hopelessly romantic idealist or a robotic, cold and pragmatic realist. Why can't I find a balance between the two?

I'm really confused and lost (again), but I'm finding my way. It's ironic how I'm good at navigating geographically and in the physical world, but when it comes to my purpose in life and my feelings... I'm hopeless. I've realized that I've learned so much just by living and I'm usually the one who doles out advice like I'm such an expert on life. But in reality, I'm terrible at taking my own advice and applying it to my heart, to my life. I think most of us have this problem though.

I'm trying my best to be proactive and condition myself to believe and take action. Last month, I did one of the most courageous things in my life. I'm very proud of myself for believing in myself, valuing and respecting myself enough to say "Enough is enough / Too little too late / I deserve better!" I know I'm capable of taking control of my own life and someday, I may be able to take control of my emotions, be able to be open and vulnerable and cautious and vigilant at the same time. My heart deserves better. It deserves to ache for something worthy.

Life is too short to be scared all the time. 
Time to take chances and take action. 
Be courageous with your life. 
#whyislifeworthliving