The Garden of Words tells a story of two lonely people that rendezvous on rainy days. I am completely enamored by simple stories of people who are trying to find their place in the world. There is so much depth to these characters. Their sense of longing and solitude is palpable. Even though the world is animated, I feel a strong connection to the story. The story emphasizes the original meaning of koi - a "longing for someone in solitude". What does it mean to exist? What does it mean to live day-by-day? Where am I? Who am I? Am I in this alone? A simple connection with another human being can make life worth living. It can make you wake up in the morning. It can give you a sense of meaning and purpose.
In an interview, the director Makoto Shinkai said he created the film with the hope of cheering up people who feel lonely or incomplete in their social relations. However, he made a point that "this movie doesn't treat loneliness as something that must be fixed." I find that to be such a beautiful sentiment. Loneliness is a human experience and state of emotion. I find it necessary to embrace loneliness and solitude, so that we can truly understand ourselves. Then it becomes a beautiful equation if you can share that solitude with another human being. That's my understanding of koi.
I've learned to embrace the rain, because water gives us life and it makes everything beautiful again. Life is a journey that requires us to walk with two feet on the ground. When it rains, it pours, so walk the walk of life with courage. Breathe.
なるかみの, すこしとよみて,
さしくもり,
あめもふらぬか,
きみをとどめむ
[A faint clap of thunder,
Clouded skies,
Perhaps rain will come.
If so, will you stay here with me?]
Yukino in The Garden of Words[3]
from Man'yōshū, Book 11, verse 2,513[4]
なるかみの,すこしとよみて,
ふらずとも,
わはとどまらむ,
いもしとどめば
[A faint clap of thunder,
Even if rain comes or not,
I will stay here,
Together with you.]
Takao in The Garden of Words[5]
from Man'yōshū, Book 11, verse 2,514[6]
"Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and we are gonna fall in love. And we are gonna get married. And we are gonna have two kids. And we are gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I'm here now, I guess because I want those extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them. Look, if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up before he punches me in the face. Because I love you. I'm always gonna love you, till the end of my days and beyond. You'll see."
It's nights like these when I feel acutely aware of my solitude. The fresh cold air hit my face as I walked down a tree-lined street at midnight. I was listening to the How I Met Your Mother playlist on Spotify, when You're All Alone by John Swihart came on. This piano piece truly conveys such melancholy and hope at the same time. It makes me heart swell and break. Of course, there's the association of Ted Mosby making this gut-wrenchingly beautiful and powerful speech to his future wife in the The Time Travelers episode. Solid performance and writing from Josh Radnor and Carter Bays and Craig David respectively.
If I'm going to be honest, I'm happy with my solitude. Although... there are days I can't help but feel a slight void in my life. That's why I try to fill that void with beauty and inspiration. Even when it's fiction, I find so much beauty in Ted's speech. Most people in their lives hope to find love and be in love with someone special. I cannot deny that I want that in my life, but it's not a priority. I strongly crave that feeling, that sense of yearning and longing. Maybe what I want at this point of my life is more abstract, therefore, it makes it easier for me to cope with my solitude. I know I have the ability to feel those emotions for someone who is out there. I don't know who he is or where he is or when we'll meet. I'll be waiting.
I may be all alone, but I don't feel alone. I'm surrounded by beauty and I know life is worth living.
I just want to be moved by stories. I want to live life with a real sense of purpose and gratitude. I want to and need to feel alive and present. I want my life to be a sensory experience. I want to listen, see, touch, smell and taste. Sometimes we forget to really experience these senses. This is my effort to record and document everything that gives me pleasure.
On Sunday, I saw When Marnie Was There at IFC Film Center. Before the film, they screened this moving short film by New York Times Op-Docs series. It shows a simple story about a young girl and her relationship with her younger brother who has cerebral palsy. She has such a great sense of life. I felt so touched by her love and care for her brother. It reminds me to not take my loved ones for granted. I love stories about real people. I find myself so attracted to hearing what real people have endured in life. How they've suffered. How they've struggled. How they've overcome. How they've thrived.
I will start posting inspiring videos, quotes, photos, songs, poems, letters and I hope it will bring you joy, hope and optimism... to remind you that life is a beautiful experience and journey.
When I start to feel like an existential crisis boiling within me, I think of this song. I think there's gotta be more to life... than drama... suffering... struggling... and the hustle. I'm alive and I'm just grateful to be here, to have my physical and mental health and to be a physical form with functioning organs and with a consciousness. I don't want to be a drone. I want to be present and experience life fully.
I started reading Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre. I'm slowly digesting the language and concept behind existentialism and phenomenology. It's quite complex, but I'm glad I'm finally reading about it and by the end of it, I hope to have a better understanding of life and existence. I need to spend more time to educate myself. Life is about appreciating the beauty it has to offer, learning about its wonders, protecting and preserving our planet and humanity and accepting and respecting ourselves and each other. The human condition.
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
There's gotta be more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more
Than wanting more
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment, I'm half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
