Dear Avalonne

Dear Avalonne,

This time last year you were dealing with the worst nightmare of your life. [Fill in the blank] was one of the most challenging experiences of your life. It was so technically challenging; it completely drained you of your will to live. Now a year has gone by and you’re in a completely different place in your life. You’re stress and anxiety free at work, you’re finding joy and excitement in your personal life. You know what it’s like to feel bliss. You feel light, calm and zen. You’re slowly achieving balance. You need to really implement mindfulness into your daily life. You really should try to meditate on a daily basis.

Now you’re not going to look back and dwell on the past. You experienced life and you will continue to experience life, but in a different direction. You needed to experience those challenges and hardships to know that you’re strong, resilient and independent. Yes, you may have suffered for a long time in silence, but you toughed it out. You spoke up when you needed to and although, it never resulted in anything positive, you always had the courage - the courage to have a voice. You always tried to stand up for yourself. You never allowed yourself to be a victim, but you were exploited, because you were a hard worker. Maybe they didn’t mean to exploit you, but you need to put yourself first. Don’t ever compromise your physical or mental health.

You made a very big decision for yourself in October. So much changed in an instant and you really grew up in that period of time. Not only in your work life, but also in your personal life. That really is called growth and personal development.

You have already implemented a workout routine and increased the frequency since you got back into it. Before you only went to barre once a week and now you’re averaging 3-4 times a week. That’s a huge achievement. You might actually go back to cycling. Maybe even go swimming and yoga. Your diet is still a little messed up, but at least you’re not eating unhealthily, it’s just not a regulated diet. That is something to figure out for the long term, also for financial reasons. You’re going to your first candle making class tomorrow. You signed up for a perfume workshop. You’ll attend a one day intensive writing class in May. You should sign up for a glassblowing class as well. You’re learning new skills! That is so important! You also need to learn about cross stitching and screen-printing. So many things to learn.

Despite the some negativity in your life, you do have some genuinely incredible, kind and amazing people in your life to get you through it. The universe provided and you made those friendships happen and last. Any relationship takes a lot of energy, effort and investment to develop and maintain. You are very lucky to have those people in my life. It would be impossible to imagine life without those people, because they’re always there for you and they have shaped who you are. Life would be heartbreakingly meaningless if they weren’t a part of it. Cherish those people forever. People come and go. The special ones will stick around, because they care about you equally. They just want you to be happy, healthy and safe. The rest of the people you meet may make a small impact on your life, but probably will be insignificant big picture wise. So don’t worry or stress over that.

For now, just concentrate on the now. Now is in your power. You have the power. You are ready.

With Love,
Avalonne

Hard Times

Hayley gets it. After 12 years, I'm still listening to Paramore.

Life = hard times. But have fun while you're trying to figure it out! <3

I'm Good

Enough said. I'm good.

Bloom

I feel like I'm floating on a cloud... Take me away.

Year of the Dog

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ― Seneca

恭喜發財
吉祥如意
心想事成
大吉大利
身体健康
龍馬精神

It's Chinese New Year, which is always a reminder that with new beginnings come new opportunities. I find myself reminding myself and then I completely forget and fall into old patterns. This is why I try to write as a form of therapy, to express myself, to vocalize my thoughts and remind me of things that are meaningful to me. Self motivate, self improve, self love. May this year bring you happiness, health, prosperity and lots of cute puppies!

Note to self: need to finally figure out how the Chinese calendar works. Maybe someday I will. It's so complicated.

A Waltz for a Night

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts
Let me sing you a waltz
About this one night stand

You were for me that night
Everything I always dreamt of in life
But now you're gone
You are far gone

All the way to your island of rain
It was for you just a one night thing
But you were much more to me
Just so you know

I don't care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day
I just wanted another try
I just wanted another night

Even if it doesn't seem quite right
You meant for me much more
Than anyone I've met before
One single night with you little Jesse
Is worth a thousand with anybody
I have no bitterness, my sweet
I'll never forget this one night thing
Even tomorrow, in other arms
My heart will stay yours until I die

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my blues
Let me sing you a waltz
About this lovely one night stand

I'll never feel lonely, knowing there is hope out there. Hope is a powerful thing. I have hope to keep me company tonight.

But in other news, today is a heartbreaking day. My heart goes out to the victims of the tragedy in Parkland, Florida.

Impromptu

Really looking forward to Season 4 of Mozart in the Jungle. I somehow got so distracted last year, I didn't fully watch Season 3 and now I'll have to start from the beginning of Season 3. Last year was particularly weird and off for me (but to be honest, which year hasn't had its trying months), I managed to lose sight of this incredible show. I miss the story, the characters, the spirit of the show and the incredible music and creativity. No matter how lost, numb or empty I may feel at times, I'm always open and grateful to discover anything new. That is really the most inspiring thing about being alive.

Yesterday, I attended the Season Four Release Party at National Sawdust (thanks to Facebook events). I've now learned about musicians, singers, composers involved in the show and I'm looking forward to discovering more of their work.

Performers will include composers Caroline Shaw (a character in Season Four) and Missy Mazzoli, as well as an ensemble of musicians. Cellist Jeffrey Zeigler will perform excerpts from Paola Prestini’s “Listen, Quiet,” and Metropolitan Opera star Susanna Phillips will sing Nico Muhly’s haunting Amy Fisher Aria, “performed” last season by Monica Bellucci (“La Fiamma”) and Gael Garcia Bernal (Maestro Rodrigo de Souza) on Piazza San Marco in Venice.

I need to feel the hustle and this show embodies that to me. Getting back into it!

Alone in Kyoto

Feels like an old memory...
My own memory?
Or someone else's?
All I know is that this gives me the feels...
the feeling of wandering aimlessly.
Drifting alone...
in search of something...
Feeling the
pitter
patter
of the rain.
Is it a memory
or a dream?
Lost in my mind
Lost in reality
Lost in this world...
In search of a compass
to guide me
to a place of safety and security
I see it over there
Is it within my reach?
Better hurry
Time is running out
It's fading
Don't let it fade away...

Love My Way

There's an army on the dance floor
It's a fashion with a gun, my love
In a room without a door
A kiss is not enough in

Love my way, it's a new road
I follow where my mind goes, they'd put us on a railroad
They'd dearly make us pay for laughing in their faces and making it our way
There's emptiness behind their eyes, there's dust in all their hearts
They just want to steal us all and take us all apart, but not in

This scene will live in our hearts for eternity. <3

Men vs. Women

So much truth. A few standup routines that entertained me this week. Main theme? Men vs. women. Enough said.

Can you adopt me, Elon?

Dad? Friends? Besties? xoxo

The Secret to Happiness

Why are you so funny, Jim Jefferies? Obsessively watching his standup and show. Can't stop laughing.

Existential Despair

"Let each one learn what he can; both of us can learn that a person’s unhappiness never lies in his lack of control over external conditions, since this would only make him completely unhappy." ― Søren Kierkegaard 

As Kierkegaard defines it in Either/Or: "Let each one learn what he can; both of us can learn that a person’s unhappiness never lies in his lack of control over external conditions, since this would only make him completely unhappy."^[37] In Works of Love, he said:

When the God-forsaken worldliness of earthly life shuts itself in complacency, the confined air develops poison, the moment gets stuck and stands still, the prospect is lost, a need is felt for a refreshing, enlivening breeze to cleanse the air and dispel the poisonous vapors lest we suffocate in worldliness. ... Lovingly to hope all things is the opposite of despairingly to hope nothing at all. Love hopes all things—yet is never put to shame. To relate oneself expectantly to the possibility of the good is to hope. To relate oneself expectantly to the possibility of evil is to fear. By the decision to choose hope one decides infinitely more than it seems, because it is an eternal decision. pp. 246–50

Just reading about Existential Despair on a Wednesday morning. Can't help but feel the need to address the human condition and my own internal struggles. This comes from the desire to live an authentic life, but there are so many obstacles that get in the way. I need to read and re-read Kierkegaard's quote to fully understand this notion. Maybe humans are just unhappy knowing how meaningless life is. Is life getting more meaningless by the day? I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, I'm really trying to search for answers here. Existential despair is a little heavy for first thing in the morning reading.

I am going through an existential crisis, but it's not as bad as it was earlier this year. Earlier, I was going through a very dark time that led me to reading a lot about the below. I'm not sure at the time if it really helped me to know more about the effects of major sleep deprivation or prolonged isolation. It may have heightened the feeling of loneliness and lack of purpose even more. Now I know that I had to go through that and get to where I am at this point of my life. If I didn't go through those months of despair, I wouldn't have arrived at this moment of despair. Life will always be full of despair, but that's how you learn to appreciate the good things.

An existential crisis may result from, be misdiagnosed as, or be comorbid with:^{[citation needed]}

• Major depressive disorder
• Major sleep deprivation
• Prolonged isolation
• Dissatisfaction with one's life
• Major psychological trauma
• The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
• A new-found grasp or appreciation of one's mortality, perhaps following diagnosis of a major health concern such as a terminal illness;
• Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning;
• Searching for the meaning of life;
• Shattering of one's sense of reality, or how the world is;
• An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;
• Realizing that the Universe is more complex, mysterious, larger and beyond current human understanding;

There are so many good things in life and my own life. I choose to prioritize the good things and I choose to be a good person. I want to make good choices, in order to avoid "drama". I've realized that I don't believe in Karma wholeheartedly, because life is just too random. Sometimes I fear that I believe in nothing, yet I'm trying so hard to assign meaning to the universe. There are so many signs, but sometimes I'm scared to think there is a meaning behind that sign. I want to believe that the universe is listening to me. I do believe in cause and effect, because the universe needs to be governed by something. We can't rely on luck to help us get to our destination.

Am I ready to go out into the world today? Knowing I am responsible for giving meaning to life, living life passionately, sincerely and authentically and that everything else around me is beyond my control. I just have to accept life as it is and rise above it and live it. All I can do is to continue to live consciously, confidently, compassionately, courageously.

Today will be a good day. 
This is why life is worth living.
Fuck despair.

I saw a tree…

I saw a tree that was greater than all others
and hung full of cones out of reach;
I saw a tall church with open door
and all who came out were pale and strong
and ready to die;
I saw a woman who smiling and rouged
threw dice for her luck
and saw she had lost.
A circle was drawn around these things
that no one crosses over. 

Poems (1916), by Edith Södergran

祝君好

I'm crying here.

TVB had some incredible TV shows when I was growing up as an impressionable child in the '90s and early 2000s. Namely Return of the Cuckoo (十月初五的月光). These shows were pretty cheesy, but I grew up with these shows, it helped me learn Cantonese and all these ideas about love. Maybe they screwed me up, but I can't blame them for giving me unrealistic ideas of love. Love is too broad, vast, universal. Every experience of love is unique and I've learned to accept that.

Recently, I've been obsessively listening to Cantopop, because I'm going back to Hong Kong next week. This time next week I'll be on a plane for 18 hours. I'm really looking forward to being home, to be with my family for an extended period of time. I get to see friends and discover more of Hong Kong. I feel really blessed to spend this chapter of my life surrounded by the people I love and who love me. Hong Kong is my home, but it's also not, because I've never lived or worked there. I want to fall madly in love with Hong Kong. I can't wait.

This year has been a rollercoaster ride. A few ups and mostly downs, then a major up starting in October. In fact, it all started in November 2015. I've managed to turn it around. Slowly, I'm finding my way and I'll be able to pave a clear path for myself. I've been trying really hard to live courageously, but it turns out that I was living passively. I was mostly observing others and living vicariously through others and not being an active participant in my own life. It's pretty ironic, since I made a short film called Shyness, which is a reminder to live consciously. Well, I've been failing miserably my whole life, but I know it's never too late to be bold, to make a change, to take action.

I've decided to make a conscious decision to live courageously. I think the moment I allowed myself to take action in certain aspects of my life, it empowered me tremendously. Sometimes you take a leap of faith and it pays off immediately. Sometimes you fall flat on your face, but you still pick yourself up, because you're an independent, self sufficient human being. I don't need to be rescued per se, but it's good to know that you have people in your life that you can count on. Life can be particularly lonely, if you don't have special people in it. I would know. I'll save that for another day.

I just want to know that I'm a good human and at the end of the day, I'll look back and know that.

NO MATTER WHAT

With moments SPARKED by freedoms glow
SHE LIVES floated on moments
Along a river OF mindful grace
Hydrating THE MOST DISTANT lover's eye
with visions to achieve
the depths OF HER minds every creation
and hearts one desire:
To live IN LOVE WITHIN and all around
NO MATTER WHAT

I love a beautiful story and inspiration behind a fragrance. I've fallen head over heels in love with NO MATTER WHAT by Nana de Bary. NO MATTER WHAT aims at creative women who carry inspiration in their hearts; those of independent spirit and unwavering willpower.

That's me. I will continue to live my life with independent spirit and unwavering willpower, because I know life is worth living.

Fly Me To The Moon

Oh, it's often used many words
To say a simple thing
It takes thought and time
And rhyme to make a poem sing

With music and words
I've been playing
For you, I have written a song
To be sure that you know
What I'm saying, I'll translate
As I go along

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Mistakes, Missteps, Mishaps = Life

"What did you make today?" Mistakes.

I realized that I've been way too hard on myself for all these years. I realized that I will make mistakes in life, because I am human. We all make mistakes. I have always made myself feel like shit for making mistakes, like there is no excuse for it. It would ruin my day completely, but now I've come to the conclusion that making mistakes is a good thing. It teaches us to fix them and/or never to repeat them. I am referring to mistakes that don't involve crime, violence, murder, manslaughter, etc.

As a "normal" member of society (excluding zero remorse murderers, criminals, abusers, etc.), we make mistakes in life: at our job, with friends, with family, with lovers, but hopefully nothing in life is irrevocable. We should always strive to do the right thing. I know I've made some mistakes and I wish I could apologize for them and rectify them, but sometimes time heals things and maybe an apology is not necessary anymore. I would hope my true friends will forgive me for any mistakes or pain I may have caused (by accident, never intentionally).

Some bonds are stronger than pain, anguish, sadness, misery, but some bonds may need to be severed. The last few months have taught me to distinguish between the two. Some bonds will last a lifetime and those are the bonds I will cherish forever. This year was the most challenging year of my life. I didn't imagine that it would be more challenging than 2016. This year saw the biggest dip I've ever had in my life. Imagine the financial crash of 1987 or 2007-2008, but it was an emotional crash. I saw some dark times and had to deal with them with little to no help at all. It was a rough period, but I managed to get myself out of it.

Every time I get myself out of it, it almost seems like a miracle. But the crashes have been getting harder and the down period lasts so much longer. It's an inner turmoil, as well as what's happening externally. What was happening in my career or job, what was/is happening in the world and this country. I had to turn away from social media to escape the constant barrage of information. All this "fake news" business; it was just sensory overload. No wonder I crashed. As an ENFJ, I need time to recharge my energy, because I had completely drained it to negative 75%. It took months and months to recharge and feel like a partial human again.

It was a terribly lonely time, but I made it through. I guess the older we get, the harder it gets and once you get a grip, it may become easier in certain aspects. But on the flip side, we may start to feel it in our bodies. Getting aches in places and our brain functionality may start to slow down, etc. That's another stress that weighs heavily on my mind. I've managed to convince myself that I'm not afraid of getting older, but that's a lie. Not only am I afraid of death, I'm afraid of the aging process. I'm afraid of failing organs and failing memory. One day, my life could become a blur. Watch Still Alice and you will feel the pain that (early-onset) Alzheimer's causes.

I'm obsessing now. It's never too late to get healthy: to eat well, drink more water, sleep a healthy 7-8 hours, exercise (that is key), stretch and get active, take supplements, meditate and just enjoy life. I may be a bit of a hypochondriac, but I'm also someone who loves life and will dare to jump and fall face flat. Because life is too short and if I never do anything risky, I may never know the feeling of success and reward. I'm always willing to take a leap of faith and I'm ready. I'm ready for you, universe. Life is complicated, but we can't be too upset when we make mistakes.

Own them and be proud of them,
They shape who we are. 
If you think about it, we're all here by accident. 
What a beautiful and poetic way to view life. 
What did you make today?
Mistakes!
#whyislifeworthliving

Right Now

"And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'" ― Kurt Vonnegut 

"To die... before the harvest. The crops, the grains, fields of rippling wheat. Wheat. All there is in life is wheat.... Oh, wheat! Lots of wheat! Fields of wheat! A tremendous amount of wheat... Yellow wheat. Red wheat. Wheat with feathers. Cream of wheat."

Thursday, November 9th, 2017 was one of the most special days of my life. I will cherish it as long as my brain is functioning! Sometimes you must exclaim and express it when you're feeling this way. The feelings are strong! Never let this feeling fade, please. Life is happening right now. It's in constant motion. It's fleeting. It's slipping through our fingers and we just want this moment to last forever. Well, nothing lasts forever, but I think a feeling can linger.

Shall I delude myself or just accept the fact that life is out of my control? Whatever happens in my life or in life in general, I will always remind myself to stop and notice when I am happy and exclaim at the top of my lungs 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.' I feel really happy and grateful beyond words. This is the type of high that I live for, this is what makes life worth living.

Right now.

Sometimes you must dare to jump

"When was the last time you got hurt?"

Physically or emotionally? Well, last night, I had the most epic fall. Let me rewind to the beginning of the day. Every morning, I have a habit of checking Twitter, reading the news and some motivational quotes to get my day going. "You cannot always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump." I thought to myself, "This is super poignant and relevant to my current situation, I must take this into consideration." But it's not like I took immediate action with that notion. I just let it sink in and went on with my day.

My day was filled with gratitude and awareness of my life. I felt happy, satisfied, inspired. And then last night, I was with a friend at an event in Tribeca. It was so not my scene, but at least I got good company and French electronica music out of it. When we left, it was still raining and super windy. My umbrella had flipped and I was getting frustrated with the moment. I thought I'd lighten the mood by running in the rain as quickly as possible towards the subway entrance. I thought it would be funny and fun. Fun turned into an epic soaring through the air, hitting the ground full force and sliding on the slippery subway grate. I landed at least 6 feet from where I kicked off my fall. I was like a kamikaze Olympic long jumper.

It was the single most painful and impactful experience I've ever had. I don't tend to injure myself (knock on wood), so it was quite dramatic. I am really not accident prone, in fact, I try to avoid that as much as possible. My immediate reaction was "I'm fine!" I don't want anyone to think I'm not fine or hurt. But I was hurting, limping and I lifted up my pants and my knee was bloodied by the fall. I'd scraped my left hand, right elbow and the left knee got it the worst. It took the most impact when I hit the ground. It could have been way worse. I could have smashed my face (and my glasses) and that would have ruined my night. I was also concerned about my bag and my favorite pink Nike sneakers. Am I crazy? Plus I was drenched because I fell on the ground! The New York City sidewalk.

Afterwards, I started to analyze why did this happen to me? Was it Karma? Was the universe saying something to me? Why did I fall in such a dramatic fashion? Then I remembered the quote from the morning. "Sometimes you must dare to jump." Oh I jumped! I jumped, fell, got hurt, but picked myself up. I am independent and self sufficient. No matter what happens to me, I'll be fine. It's a metaphor for my life, that's for sure. I think there may be more to the incident and my fall. I think the universe is telling me something else... Regardless, I have a swollen knee and elbow, which means I have to take a break from barre and tennis. Now that bums me out. I shall rest and let my wounds recover. Now isn't that another metaphor for life. I'm still letting old wounds heal. Some are still healing. Hopefully this physical wound heals faster than my emotional ones.

Take care out there. 
Don't run in the rain. 
You will get hurt. 
Don't let that happen. 
Be safe, be happy, be brave.
But whatever happens...
You must dare to jump!