You're All Alone

"Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and we are gonna fall in love. And we are gonna get married. And we are gonna have two kids. And we are gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I'm here now, I guess because I want those extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them. Look, if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up before he punches me in the face. Because I love you. I'm always gonna love you, till the end of my days and beyond. You'll see."

It's nights like these when I feel acutely aware of my solitude. The fresh cold air hit my face as I walked down a tree-lined street at midnight. I was listening to the How I Met Your Mother playlist on Spotify, when You're All Alone by John Swihart came on. This piano piece truly conveys such melancholy and hope at the same time. It makes me heart swell and break. Of course, there's the association of Ted Mosby making this gut-wrenchingly beautiful and powerful speech to his future wife in the The Time Travelers episode. Solid performance and writing from Josh Radnor and Carter Bays and Craig David respectively.

If I'm going to be honest, I'm happy with my solitude. Although... there are days I can't help but feel a slight void in my life. That's why I try to fill that void with beauty and inspiration. Even when it's fiction, I find so much beauty in Ted's speech. Most people in their lives hope to find love and be in love with someone special. I cannot deny that I want that in my life, but it's not a priority. I strongly crave that feeling, that sense of yearning and longing. Maybe what I want at this point of my life is more abstract, therefore, it makes it easier for me to cope with my solitude. I know I have the ability to feel those emotions for someone who is out there. I don't know who he is or where he is or when we'll meet. I'll be waiting.

I may be all alone, but I don't feel alone. I'm surrounded by beauty and I know life is worth living.

My Brother, Teddy

I just want to be moved by stories. I want to live life with a real sense of purpose and gratitude. I want to and need to feel alive and present. I want my life to be a sensory experience. I want to listen, see, touch, smell and taste. Sometimes we forget to really experience these senses. This is my effort to record and document everything that gives me pleasure.

On Sunday, I saw When Marnie Was There at IFC Film Center. Before the film, they screened this moving short film by New York Times Op-Docs series. It shows a simple story about a young girl and her relationship with her younger brother who has cerebral palsy. She has such a great sense of life. I felt so touched by her love and care for her brother. It reminds me to not take my loved ones for granted. I love stories about real people. I find myself so attracted to hearing what real people have endured in life. How they've suffered. How they've struggled. How they've overcome. How they've thrived.

I will start posting inspiring videos, quotes, photos, songs, poems, letters and I hope it will bring you joy, hope and optimism... to remind you that life is a beautiful experience and journey.

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life

When I start to feel like an existential crisis boiling within me, I think of this song. I think there's gotta be more to life... than drama... suffering... struggling... and the hustle. I'm alive and I'm just grateful to be here, to have my physical and mental health and to be a physical form with functioning organs and with a consciousness. I don't want to be a drone. I want to be present and experience life fully.

I started reading Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre. I'm slowly digesting the language and concept behind existentialism and phenomenology. It's quite complex, but I'm glad I'm finally reading about it and by the end of it, I hope to have a better understanding of life and existence. I need to spend more time to educate myself. Life is about appreciating the beauty it has to offer, learning about its wonders, protecting and preserving our planet and humanity and accepting and respecting ourselves and each other. The human condition.

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived

I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside

Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing

And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life

Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me

Cause the more that I'm

Tripping out thinking there must be more to life

Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more

Than wanting more 

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly

Here in this moment, I'm half way out the door

Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this 

Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed

When Marnie Was There

"In this world, there's an invisible magic circle. There's an inside and an outside. And I'm outside."

Moving On

Five years ago today.

Just five years ago, we all bid a bittersweet farewell with LOST. It was such a beautifully written show that took me on an emotional journey with incredibly diverse and unique characters. They were all individual in their personalities and they came from different places and somehow ended up on the plane that would crash land on this mysterious island. It was a mystery show, but it was character driven with so much depth. I will never meet another Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Charlie, etc. in my life. The score led me on a visceral experience. There is such a heartbreaking quality to the strings. To this day, I cannot listen to the soundtrack without tears welling in my eyes.

I will always remember where I was when I watched the finale. I even changed my plane ticket, so I could watch the finale in the U.S. It was such an emotional experience for me, because I felt like after all the emotional investment in the characters, I was there on the island with them. I endured their pain and suffering and I was ready for them to have a happy ending. At the end, they were all together. They were safe. They were happy. They were grateful. They moved on. Since the show ended in 2010, have I moved on? I don't think I can ever really invest myself in a drama again. LOST had me and will always have me. It was life changing for me. I am so grateful to be alive.