Break The Sky

I never realized that song lyrics could be that applicable to me and my life... especially nine years after this song was written. Goodbye Blues was one of my favorite albums by The Hush Sound. This album came out after my first year in college. I guess back in the day, I listened to the lyrics, but never really thought about the meaning behind the lyrics.

Now that I'm nine years older, I realized what every song was actually about. How did Greta and Bob write these lyrics nine years ago? I'm the same age as Greta and yet she wrote these amazingly beautiful lyrics and what was I doing? Being a college student and daydreaming about being a filmmaker. Life is pretty ironic. I've always known that, but today I'm feeling it more than ever.

I feel like maybe I was never really honest with myself. I think I have been idealistic all these years and finally I get it. Did I just have an epiphany today? I think so. This week was full of revelations and maybe something has shifted within me. I think it has something to do with Pluto's retrograde. I recently got the planetary symbol of Pluto (♇) tattooed on my arm. As a reminder of what I went through over a month ago.

That was probably one of the most challenging experiences I've ever been through. Have you ever wanted to die? Well that experience made me want to give up on my life. Yes, sounds dramatic as fuck, but it almost killed me. I'm not going to get into any details, but I ended up in the clinic and was prescribed Xanax. That's how bad the experience scarred and traumatized me. And guess what? A month and a week have passed and I still have NOT recovered from it. Now that is fucked up. I'm scared that my physical health will not recover from the experience.

I hate to complain, but I think I need to vocalize and write about this experience. It was horrible and a part of me regrets having done it. I know I should be somewhat proud of this achievement, but I don't feel rewarded by it at all. There's a good reason why, but now I'm just mad for putting myself through it... almost involuntarily. I sound so fucking cryptic, but it's to protect the people involved. So here I am, writing about this and maybe someone will read this... maybe no one will. I kind of don't care, but it's therapeutic and I may feel better now.

So this is me on a Friday night and I'm singing to my baby cat, Luna. She's comfortably sleeping in her safe spot and I'm writing. I'd say it's a pretty decent way to spend Friday night. The lyrics below couldn't be more accurate and I wholeheartedly believe those words. Here's to The Hush Sound and their incredibly beautiful and moving lyrics. Thank you for enlightening me.

Weight of days lost holding you down
You'll look for me, but I won't be found.
The bluebirds flutter in my chest,
Oh, they want to sing..
You'll have to break me open to hear anything

Before the world dies at my door
I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

Won't be haunted by dreams I've deferred
Won't set my heart frozen in amber
The love you always seem to find is syrupy sweet
One taste and you've made up your mind,
Too ripe to eat.

Before the world dies at my door
I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

Fear will hold you back,
If you believe in that.

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else?
Why do I need anyone..

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

The Boys Are Too Refined

The boys who kiss and bite,
They are the brilliant ones who speak and write with silver luck...
They sing in clever tongues,
Oh how my knees go weak to be the one --
she kicks and bucks.
Always quick to follow
The boys are too refined
Won't matter tomorrow
Oh, to be in his mind
And if the timing is right to sneak off into the night,
I'll let myself be taken just for the thrill.
And if I'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands,
I will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance
To daddy singing sweet, a lullaby to all his credit speak, his golden light
to the edge with a car, he sent it off a cliff just for the spark
to hell with why
Always quick to follow
The boys are too refined
Won't matter tomorrow
Oh, to be in his mind
And if the timing is right to sneak off into the night,
I'll let myself be taken just for the thrill.
And if I'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands,
I will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance

The Hush Sound, Goodbye Blues, 2008

On the Nature of Daylight

Sometimes life is too hard to bear.

I am consumed by my fear of death and I just want to hide in my misery and agony. But today, I absolutely do not feel that way, but when I hear this music, I'm overcome by sadness. You may recognize this from Arrival. Now you may understand why I sound so solemn. This music reminds me of the themes of the film - love, loss, humanity, survival, understanding, death. How brilliantly the story was woven together by Denis Villeneuve. Today I'm still moved by this film and the music. This particular piece by Max Richter and score by Jóhann Jóhannsson (you can't forget the accents).

I'm actually in a really good mood today. In fact, it has been a beautifully glorious weekend, but I needed to take a moment to remind myself that happiness is temporary and life is fleeting. Way to be bogged down by the feeling of existentialism. My head is feeling heavy now. I think it's time for a cat nap. I still have lots to do today. I'm going to keep listening to Max Richter...

(7 hours of sleep with the help of melatonin doesn't seem quite enough, especially after the crazy 2 weeks that I've had.)

You've Got Mail

Frank Navasky: Kathleen. YOU, are a lone reed. You are a lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce.

Kathleen Kelly: I am a lone reed.

Hygge

https://skandinavisk.com/

I first discovered hygge (pronounced like "hoo-guh") late fall last year, as the leaves were falling off the trees. It was something I always knew I needed and aspired to in my life, I just didn't realize there was a Danish term for this concept. "The true essence of hygge is the pursuit of everyday happiness, and it’s basically like a hug, just without the physical touch," says Meik Wiking, CEO of The Happiness Research Institute and author of The Little Book of Hygge. "Some of the key ingredients are togetherness, relaxation, indulgence, presence, and comfort."

Ever since I learned about hygge, I've been obsessively trying to incorporate that into my life. Over the years, I've fallen in love with Nordic and specifically Scandinavian culture. Their culture, traditions, philosophy, outlook on life, design, food, lifestyle, landscapes, etc. In case you don't know the difference, here's a convenient explanation per Wikipedia. (Honestly, I'm writing it out here to remind myself.)

While the term Scandinavia is commonly used for Denmark, Norway and Sweden, the term the Nordic countries is used unambiguously for Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Iceland, including their associated territories (Greenland, the Faroe Islands, and the Åland Islands).

Today was all about hygge, rest and recuperation. It was so necessary. When you're overworked and over-exhausted, you forget that there's more to life than your job. There's so much going on outside the four walls of the office. Last week, I was under extreme pressure and stress and I forgot all about self care. I neglected all my basic needs - I was sleep/food/exercise deprived. It was very extreme, but somehow I got through it... almost unscathed, but pretty traumatized by the experience. You know what they say? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I really hate that saying, because I don't think everyone is necessarily strong enough to get through that level of physical and mental stress.

We're human beings, not machines! After this harrowing experience, I was reminded that I am only human. I am made of flesh and bone. My heart is pumping blood through my veins. I'm made of millions of cells. We only have one life, so how do you want to live it? Think about that. Life is a gift - don't take it for granted. Self care is important. Hygge makes life worth living. I'm going to continue to hygge until bedtime.

Last thing, one of my favorite poems by E. E. Cummings.

the trick of finding what you didn’t lose
(existing’s tricky:but to live’s a gift)
the teachable imposture of always
arriving at the place you never left 

(and i refer to thinking)rests upon
a dismal misconception;namely that
some neither ape nor angel called a man
is measured by his quote eye cue unquote. 

Much better than which,every woman who’s
(despite the ultramachinations of
some loveless infraworld)a woman knows;
and certain men quite possibly may have 

shal we say guessed?”we shall” quoth gifted she:
and played the hostess to my morethanme

the trick of finding what you didn’t lose by e. e. cummings