Hi...

Haha. Never fails to make me laugh.

Letting go...

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

10/2/2017

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Maya Angelou

Something wasn't working in my life, therefore I finally did something to change it. I finally took action for once in my life and it actually felt very empowering and liberating. I don't feel regret or ambivalence. I feel free and assured of my decision. Change is scary and intimidating, but I'm really good at adapting to change. I'm a survivalist, until my survival skills start to harm me, because I refuse to admit to my weaknesses and humanness. But I fucking realized I am NOT a robot, I am NOT a machine. I'm made of flesh and bone and my health is now deteriorating and it's fucked up.

I've survived and tried and pushed myself to the limits. Have you ever reached that point in your life before? Well, as of today, I told myself enough is enough. I think we all suffer quietly and silently and live our lives with such a lack of purpose or little to no purpose. It's a terrifying notion really. On Sunday night and then early Monday morning, I realized that I had no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. First of all, I am NOT sleeping. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, but last week I averaged less than 2 hours a day. I bought a fitbit to track my sleep and weight. Over the course of 6 weeks, I managed to sleep less and less and lose a significant amount of weight. I allowed myself to develop a sleeping and eating disorder and I haven't recovered from it.

This has been an extremely rough period of my life, which was all suppressed up till Monday early morning when it all finally caused my mental breakdown. It's not like I had a psychotic break, but I'd never felt that alone and worst, lonely, in my entire life. I felt like I had no purpose or reason to live anymore and I am a fucking existentialist. Every day I remind myself that life IS worth living, but during my mental breakdown, I had really dark thoughts, which I will admit here publicly for the first time ever. No - I wasn't suicidal, quite the opposite actually. I genuinely had thoughts that if I die right now, NO ONE would know or discover that until they realized that I've disappeared completely. That is hard to admit to myself, my family and friends and whoever is out there.

If I die, then I'd be dead. I think this fear has contributed to my sleep deprivation as well. I genuinely fear that if I fall asleep, I will not wake up. This is NOT okay. I know I'm not the only one who has fears about death, but since we're on the subject of death,  I think I've finally realized how my depression works now. Over time, I've managed to analyze my depressive behavior. This is going to sound bizarre, but I think it actually makes sense. So here goes: when I go through my depression/the lowest of the low, all I feel is numbness and complete lack of interest to anything and everything. This is not through intent, but completely involuntary. I lose my ability to communicate with people (family, friends, co-workers) and I am at a constant loss of words. I'm in constant state of deer in the headlights. I've managed to negatively impact my friendships due to this level of numbness and I wholeheartedly apologize to the friends that I've disappointed during those times.

On the other end of the spectrum, when I do manage to drag myself out of that rut and there's light shining into my life again, I'm able to experience feelings of happiness, joy and gratitude. Now this is the feeling that feels natural to me. I think this is my natural state of mind, but unfortunately, when I'm happy, I'm plagued by my fear of death more than ever. I actually believe that if I'm happy, my life will end in an instant. Everything I ever loved will be yanked away from me and it will all be over. I'll be forgotten and my life will have no legacy or place in anyone's minds. This is my actual reason why I had the mental breakdown. This is not something I share with people because... well... it's hard to admit your fears.

I finally discovered and made the correlation that when I'm depressed, I don't care if my life ends, but when I'm happy, I feel like death is around me. On Monday early morning, I realized that whether I'm happy or not, I know that if I don't look after my health right now, it doesn't matter if I'm happy, because I will be dead. So for anyone who didn't know any of this about me, now you know that I'm just a scared human, who has been suffering silently for my whole life. I am strong-willed and I always put on a brave face and I always put a smile on my face (in order to conceal all my fears and concerns), but I've reached my breaking point and I need to escape right now. I'm leaving this place for a period of time, because I need to focus on my recovery and I need to be around people who can look after me. I cannot look after myself right now.

This is the best decision I've ever made for myself. I know that I will be able to recover and feel better physically and mentally... soon enough. I didn't like something, so I changed it, because changing my attitude towards it ended up making it way worst. I've jeopardized my health, wellbeing and morals, so here is to change and new beginnings. I feel hope again.

Break The Sky

I never realized that song lyrics could be that applicable to me and my life... especially nine years after this song was written. Goodbye Blues was one of my favorite albums by The Hush Sound. This album came out after my first year in college. I guess back in the day, I listened to the lyrics, but never really thought about the meaning behind the lyrics.

Now that I'm nine years older, I realized what every song was actually about. How did Greta and Bob write these lyrics nine years ago? I'm the same age as Greta and yet she wrote these amazingly beautiful lyrics and what was I doing? Being a college student and daydreaming about being a filmmaker. Life is pretty ironic. I've always known that, but today I'm feeling it more than ever.

I feel like maybe I was never really honest with myself. I think I have been idealistic all these years and finally I get it. Did I just have an epiphany today? I think so. This week was full of revelations and maybe something has shifted within me. I think it has something to do with Pluto's retrograde. I recently got the planetary symbol of Pluto (♇) tattooed on my arm. As a reminder of what I went through over a month ago.

That was probably one of the most challenging experiences I've ever been through. Have you ever wanted to die? Well that experience made me want to give up on my life. Yes, sounds dramatic as fuck, but it almost killed me. I'm not going to get into any details, but I ended up in the clinic and was prescribed Xanax. That's how bad the experience scarred and traumatized me. And guess what? A month and a week have passed and I still have NOT recovered from it. Now that is fucked up. I'm scared that my physical health will not recover from the experience.

I hate to complain, but I think I need to vocalize and write about this experience. It was horrible and a part of me regrets having done it. I know I should be somewhat proud of this achievement, but I don't feel rewarded by it at all. There's a good reason why, but now I'm just mad for putting myself through it... almost involuntarily. I sound so fucking cryptic, but it's to protect the people involved. So here I am, writing about this and maybe someone will read this... maybe no one will. I kind of don't care, but it's therapeutic and I may feel better now.

So this is me on a Friday night and I'm singing to my baby cat, Luna. She's comfortably sleeping in her safe spot and I'm writing. I'd say it's a pretty decent way to spend Friday night. The lyrics below couldn't be more accurate and I wholeheartedly believe those words. Here's to The Hush Sound and their incredibly beautiful and moving lyrics. Thank you for enlightening me.

Weight of days lost holding you down
You'll look for me, but I won't be found.
The bluebirds flutter in my chest,
Oh, they want to sing..
You'll have to break me open to hear anything

Before the world dies at my door
I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

Won't be haunted by dreams I've deferred
Won't set my heart frozen in amber
The love you always seem to find is syrupy sweet
One taste and you've made up your mind,
Too ripe to eat.

Before the world dies at my door
I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

Fear will hold you back,
If you believe in that.

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else?
Why do I need anyone..

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going nowhere.
Kiss goodbye, a dozen times before we get there.
Why do I need anyone else, when I can break the sky myself?

The Boys Are Too Refined

The boys who kiss and bite,
They are the brilliant ones who speak and write with silver luck...
They sing in clever tongues,
Oh how my knees go weak to be the one --
she kicks and bucks.
Always quick to follow
The boys are too refined
Won't matter tomorrow
Oh, to be in his mind
And if the timing is right to sneak off into the night,
I'll let myself be taken just for the thrill.
And if I'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands,
I will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance
To daddy singing sweet, a lullaby to all his credit speak, his golden light
to the edge with a car, he sent it off a cliff just for the spark
to hell with why
Always quick to follow
The boys are too refined
Won't matter tomorrow
Oh, to be in his mind
And if the timing is right to sneak off into the night,
I'll let myself be taken just for the thrill.
And if I'm given the chance to be a doll in his hands,
I will be sure we shake the mountains while we dance

The Hush Sound, Goodbye Blues, 2008