Love Letter to the Immortal Self

Thursday, June 7, 2012

"So therefore I dedicate myself to myself, to my art, my sleep, my dreams, my labors, my suffrances, my loneliness, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger - because I cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being." 
― Jack Kerouac

Dear Avalonne, Dear Me, Dear Myself, Dear You,

When asked "how's your love life?", my immediate response is "non-existent?", then I get an even quicker response: "aww that sucks." Does it REALLY suck? Truthfully? NO! I love that I am single. Single and independent. Yes, single and FABULOUS! Exclamation point! (Sex and the City reference, anyone?!) - not to say that taken people aren't fabulous! If I had a pretty piece of eye candy, I'd have my arm wrapped around him forever.

I'd like to think that I pretty much have it together now - now that I'm finally out of that dark, uninspired, unmotivated, existential crisis phase. I am finally in a good place. I'm actually in a very good, creative, articulate and comfortable place. Don't worry, not too comfortable. It just makes me laugh, well chuckle, when people ask me if I'm seeing someone or how's my love life, because it almost seems like a crime if a young woman my age chooses to be single? Please note: I am the true definition of a single gal since I don't date... at all. Carrie and her cohorts shouldn't be considered as single gals, since she dated a plethora of supposedly disposable men. But I guess at a certain age, when you're not in a long term relationship (not married), you are legally considered single. 

Well, I do not in the slightest think that just because I'm single, I'm at all pathetic or... pathetic! I don't feel pathetic at all. I mean sometimes I can't help but feel the urge to question myself, because so many people around me aren't single / are dating / in a relationship / engaged / married. But I slap myself in the face and remember that I don't even want to "see" anyone. Even if he was 6 foot 3 with a gorgeous head of hair with the voice of an angel (guess who this is) or 6 foot tall, also with a gorgeous head of hair, adorable, irresistible British accent, who by day hides behind horn rimmed glasses and by night swings from building to building (this one has to be obvious) - but I'm just currently very content - happy even, to be single and just enjoying my New York adventure.

So it's true, my love life is very much non existent, but I always love to tell people that work is the love of my life. I have no desire to be in a relationship and it's not because I don't have the capacity, I would just rather immerse myself in work and build towards my career goals and ambitions. I am completely goal oriented and therefore have no desire to pursue any romantic entanglements. I don't think that a man can actually fill whatever void I may feel now or in the future. It took me a really long time to build myself up and my own confidence and self assurance, therefore, I will not allow any man to put me down, doubt me or make me feel worthless. I couldn't be happier and this isn't coming from a pathetic, jealous, single female. Please don't even think that any of these thoughts and beliefs come from a misandrist place. I don't hate men. Well, I don't hate men as a gender. But I will admit that I may dislike a certain one or two men of that gender. Promise: I'm not crazy!

But truthfully, I know (deep down) that I am a relationship person and I absolutely love being in a relationship with all the ups and downs, but the most off putting part about a relationship is being with a man who doesn't pull his weight. I absolutely refuse to be with a guy who doesn't put the same amount of effort into the relationship. I'm the type of commitment person, who isn't afraid of "spending the rest of my life with someone" as long as he feels the exact same about me or at least has the capacity to feel that way about another human being. I absolutely love relationships, but I refuse to let any man make me feel disposable and worthless. I would rather be single for a really long time and work on myself and my career. I feel absolutely empowered and in control of myself.

To conclude, I am writing this lovely love letter to myself to remind myself and other people who are feeling [fill in the blank] that there's nothing wrong with being single and/or alone. This is the greatest opportunity ever to make yourself the best possible version of yourself! Please note that I have nothing against relationships or people in relationships. I have the utmost respect for my friends and people in relationships, because being in a relationship is like having another full time job. I would be willing to invest in a relationship, if I could ever date one of the two unnamed gentlemen that I described earlier. But as of now, I'm happy and that's all I wanted to say.

Ever thine,
Ever mine,
Ever ours.

Forever Yours,
Avalonne Hall