#WHYISLIFEWORTHLIVING






Marry Myself A Little

Saturday, February 19, 2011

4 comments:
vintage 1940s but a dream lace dress
vintage 1940s but a dream lace dress, vintage 1950s sweetest thing lace wedding dress from dear golden vintage on etsy

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to get married to the "perfect guy" and have three children, one of each (Note: Love and Death reference). No, I'm kidding. Two children, a boy and girl. But after a series of unfortunate events, I've learned that love and relationships aren't what I thought they would be. Amidst my last relationship, I saw (500) Days of Summer and it never occurred to me that a few months later and then a year later again, I'd ended up being Tom Hansen and Nancy.

I'm watching (500) Days of Summer now and I'm finally understanding what relationships and love are all about. From the very start, Summer made it clear that she didn't want anything serious. But somehow she got into the relationship with Tom and they were acting like a couple. Then she got bored and "shit on Tom's face, literally", well not literally. It really takes two to tango and I guess that's why the relationship didn't work out for them. Tom was head over heels in love with Summer and Summer went along with it, but never really felt the same way about him. Seriously... what is love? I'm starting to feel the same way about love and relationships, freedom and independence. Summer said that "she doesn't want a boyfriend and she wants to be free and independent, doesn't feel comfortable being anyone's anything, she likes being alone, we're young, might as well has fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later." Then Tom asks her "What happens if you fall in love?" and Summer says "You don't believe that, do you? There's no such thing as love, it's fantasy."

A few months back, you could say I was 100% Tom Hansen. I really truly believed in love and marriage, but now I guess I'm trapped between Tom and Summer. I want to believe in love, but at the same time, I should just have fun, be free and independent and save the serious stuff for later. Falling in love? Well... who knows when that will ever happen again? If anything, I can still get married... to whom you ask? To myself. Like some character in Glee (I don't watch Glee) and apparently, January Jones wants to marry herself too, after her break up with Jason Sudeikis. Although, we have completely different reasons. January Jones said she can't commit, she doesn't have a type, she's all over the place. Well, I'm the complete opposite: I want to commit, I have a type and I want consistency, at least in terms of a relationship.

I want to believe in love, but I must remember love has the potential to turn around in slap you in the face or shit all over your face or as Gaga said, "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams, If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you any more." and "I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina." Well now that she's dating the ex that doubted her, I don't know how valid both quotes are anymore. But it's true. Because we all have the ability to fall in love and fall out of love just as easily, despite the vows some people make. It's just the reality. Marriage is no longer sacred and love is just some fantasy. I guess if I "fall in love" sometime soon, I must remind myself that love is temporary, no relationship is permanent... at least, most relationships aren't. Truthfully, I don't want to pick a career over relationship or vice versa, I want both, I want it all.

Even though I'm starting to feel unsure about marriage to the opposite gender, I'm all about marrying myself and spending hours looking at beautiful dresses and flowers. I hope in the next year, I'll have a job that pays me well enough and for my 24th birthday (which will be my golden birthday), I want to throw a birthday party/wedding to myself. Even though my belief in marriage is fading rapidly, it doesn't mean I can't have a wedding reception for myself. A beautiful outdoor party, under the starry night sky, under a marquee or maybe even a barn and Christmas lights, blush pink peonies and chartreuse roses (in love with green flowers right now) and café au lait spray roses, rustic wooden chairs, candles and macarons. Well, I'll just keep my fingers crossed, I hope I find a good-ish job and I'll save up money and plan my ultimate birthday celebration/wedding to myself. Who knows if I'll ever get married for real? If I don't, then I'll miss out on planning a wedding altogether, so 24th birthday celebration, here I come!

I don't care if I ever get married, I just want to wear a pretty dress, a floral wreath à la Louise Brooks, be surrounded by peonies and celebrate life with my family and friends. I'm getting married to myself. Save the date! Wednesday, October 24th, 2012 (subject to change)!

vintage 1950s sweetest thing wedding dress

2011 New Year's Resolutions

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Copied and pasted from my old blog the girl from hk, ldn & sf. Just as a reminder to myself that I must try my best to follow through with these resolutions. It's easy to set goals for yourself, but to achieve them is a different story. I know we're already half way through February and we're quickly approaching the third month of the year, but I still want to keep these resolutions. The two things I'm most iffy about are exercising and growing out hair. I'm most proud of starting this blog and losing weight!

Come on 2011! Please, please, please let me get what I want!

#1. Don't find love. I'm 22, I'm young, I'm resilient, I'll bounce back. But you know how people want to find love and fall in love (because supposedly love will solve all your problems, but love will only let you down?). Well this year, I want to focus on myself. I don't want or need love. I don't even know what love is anymore, all I know is that I can't put myself out there and expose myself to "love". I just want to focus on myself and build a career for myself.

Even if (big if), I end up meeting someone and "love finds me unexpectedly" (because that's the best way to fall in love is if love finds you) in this glorious year of 2011, I don't think I could put a person before my career right now. If anything, I need someone who wants to be my rock and actually mean it. I don't need someone to tell me they want to be my rock and then take it back. I've always been traditional in a sense that I want to get married and have children, but it just seems like these dreams won't be coming true any time soon in the future.

#1 1/2. Focus on building a career. I really hope I will be able to find a job. It doesn't have to be a great, amazing and well paid job, I just hope it will be a great stepping stone onto a better job.

#2. Lose Weight. This has always been a priority in my life. I've always wanted to maintain a certain weight. Due to my gluttonous ways and poor diet in San Francisco, my weight fluctuates a lot. Recently, I did have a stomach flu, so I managed to lose all that Christmas weight and since I'll be a little sad in the next weeks, I'm sure my appetite will be non existent for a while. I just hope to lose a little more weight and maintain that weight.

#2 1/2. Exercise. Along with losing weight, eating less and more healthy aren't enough, I really need to think about my health. Exercise is very important and I've really neglected exercise for too long. I've never been too athletic, but I always did enjoy a few certain sports at boarding school, like tennis, rounders, athletics and netball, but now I rarely do any exercise. Exercise is not only good for the body, but good for the mind. Endorphins. I've been talking about yoga since last summer and I never actually got around to taking yoga classes. Maybe 2011 will be the year I take up yoga... and maybe kickboxing.

#3. Spend less money & save up. I've never been good at saving up. I don't even understand the concept of saving up. I'm usually broke by the end of the month, because I'm not good at pacing myself with money. Since I'm about to graduate and if I get a job, I will really need to learn to spend money wisely. I have to spend less and then save up. This is a really big issue for me and now I really have to do something about it.

#4. Eat in more often. You could say I can be a pretty lazy person, therefore, I end up going to restaurants more often than I should. I end up spending quite a lot on eating at restaurants and therefore, gaining weight at a more rapid speed. I should go grocery shopping more often, this will help me control my diet.

#5. Be better at staying in touch with friends. Since this will be my last semester and few months in San Francisco, I will be saying goodbye to some really dear friends. It's sad to even think about it, but I have to prepare myself for it. I already have some friends in Hong Kong and London and my brother's in England, so I really need to get better at writing them, skyping them and even WhatsApping them (since we all have iPhones now). It's really hard to have thousands of miles of land or ocean between us, but that's why we have phones and internet. So I have to put in more effort into keeping in touch with all my friends no matter where they are.

#6. Shoot more videos. Now that I have my baby Canon T2i, I have no excuse. I must shoot more videos for work, school and myself. I do have some ideas brewing in my mind, but it's just a matter of developing the ideas and then executing them. Having ideas is not enough, I must actually follow through these ideas. Laziness is not an excuse. I hope this semester, I will finally write a screenplay and maybe shoot it by the end of the semester.

#7. Watch all Woody Allen movies. Last summer, I told myself I have to watch all of Woody's movies. I've probably watched 75-80% of his movies, but this year, I must watch all of them. I end up getting distracted by television shows and since they are easier to watch, because they're short and it's easier to watch more, I end up neglecting movies. I can't neglect movies now, since I'm about to enter the world of filmmaking.

#8. Start an etsy shop. I guess if I manage to find a job in New York, I'll get a work visa and then I want to start an etsy shop selling vintage clothes. I think it will be a fun side job and an excuse to go thrifting and vintage shopping. I think it will be a good opportunity for me to do something a little fashion and business related on the side. This will also help me keep my wardrobe to a minimum, I do have way too many clothes.

#9. Respond to blog comments. I was so good at commenting and responding to comments for the first few months and suddenly, the amount of comments I was receiving got a little overwhelming (which is meant to be a huge compliment), so I started to lag behind and then I stopped commenting back altogether. I feel so bad for not responding, especially when I say I'm so grateful for all my comments. So this year, I will be a good comment responder, I truly appreciate and respect every single person who comments me and I have to return that respect.

#10. Start a new blog. A new year and big changes mean even bigger changes and new beginnings. After some serious thought and consideration, I've decided to abandon this blog and start a new one. I know this means rebuilding an entirely new blog and readership, but if anyone who has read and enjoyed my blog, I hope you will join me in my new adventure and follow my new blog. This really wasn't an easy decision, since I've put in so much effort into building some sort of readership and even reputation, a name for myself, albeit a pseudonym.

So I had some names in mind, but after I told my brother, Shy and Caro, they're not too keen on them and even I agree with them. My brother thinks my current blog name is a "trademark", a "brand" and unique to me and that's why it's memorable, but if I change my name to something generic, then it won't be so unique. I think I'm fine with it, what do you guys think?

Even though some beautiful memories were made during my time with the girl from hk, ldn & sf, I think it's time to move on. Anyways, it was always difficult when I told people what my blog name was, so I guess I'm doing myself and readers a favor by starting a new blog with a more straightforward name. So I'm considering hiring a web designer and programmer to create a layout for me. I guess despite my sadness, I am excited for a new beginning, a new start. I've decided to launch my new blog on February 11th, 2011 (2.11.2011). I hope you will decide to follow me on my new journey and thank you in advance.


#11. Listen to your friends' advice. I guess your friends (or rather my friends) are almost always right. I guess I really had to learn it the hard way, but now I guess I'm really a stronger person. My friends and brother expressed their opinions on a certain situation and even when I agreed with them completely, I decided to dive in head first into something that ended up breaking me once again a few months later. Really... seriously... listen to your friends' advice.

#12. Listen to Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson is always right! Well, sometimes, especially when he said, "When I get said, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. TRUE STORY!". True story indeed, Barney! I really believe these words. I was following this mantra for the entire summer last year and it really helped me. But sometimes you fall back into a daze and then you forget them. But now I finally remember these words again and I will live by these words forever. Thanks Barney, you're my hero (minus the womanizing and degrading of women)!

#13. Grow out my hair. I'm not the superstitious type at all, but it seems like short hair has really brought me some "bad luck". I'm pretty sure it has almost nothing to do with my short hair or hair length, but I'm thinking of growing my hair now. Whilst short hair has been fun, I've really missed long hair. After seeing my mom's photos in her 20s and watching Annie Hall again, I really want long hair now. So come on hair, grow!!!

#14. Stand up for myself. I've been told that I'm too nice, which means I get "bullied" from time to time. As in if someone says I can't do a certain thing, I will back down and not say anything. I mean anyone else would probably say something and maybe even cause a scene, but I'm just not the type of person to cause a scene. I was at the airport and I was running late and I wasn't allow to jump the line, I was forced to line up for 30 minutes, which was totally unnecessary, since everyone in front of me had hours to spare. Anyways, I didn't say anything and just obeyed the agent and lined up. I should have demanded to go ahead, but I didn't, because I'm too nice and I don't stand up for myself. And that's just one example. I guess I don't have to be a bitch in order to stand up for myself, but I just have to be a little more assertive.

#15. Change my bed sheets for better Feng Shui. This may sound so silly and arbitrary, but I think by changing my bed sheets, I might change my luck. Feng shui, anybody? I don't know. It's also an excuse to get new pretty, smooth, Egyptian cotton sheets.

Pitter-Patter

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

blush pink roses

I'm just lying in bed listening to the pitter-patter of the rain, feeling a little under the weather.

Yesterday, I was running errands and on my way home, I decided to stop by Walgreens to get headphones. I came across the half off bin of bouquets and potted roses. Since I didn't buy myself flowers on Valentine's Day, because they were all marked up, I decided to buy myself dying blush pink roses for $9. That's probably a lot for a bouquet of dying roses, but I think dying roses are beautiful. So I didn't get headphones, but I got a bouquet of roses and a new dusty pink nail polish. I also stopped by the hardware to get safety glasses for a design class and a must-needed pair of rain boots.

I don't know why I didn't wear them last night! After dinner with Shy and Jonalyn, when we were about to leave, it started pouring heavily. I only live a block away, so we just ran all the way back. It was pouring so heavily and it was hailing. We were completely drenched, but we were laughing and screaming at the same time. It was so much fun and romantic in a bizarre way, I just hope I don't get too sick. I hope this weather goes away soon, but at least now I have rain boots, but no umbrella (it died two nights ago).

leaves
flowers

Pleated Pants Party

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

4 comments:
pleated pants party

Last Friday (02.11.2011), I hosted a little party in celebration of the launching of this blog and farewell to my old blog. I decided that the theme should be pleated pants, so I made pleated pants a mandatory dress code. Sadly, not everyone owned pleated pants, so that didn't happen. I think only Caro, Shy and I wore pleated pants. It was a beautiful night and I turned my pig sty of a room into a cozy, fairy lit, Valentine's themed Parisian cafe inspired room. It was a lovely gathering of my friends and we snacked on crackers, brie, prosciutto, salami, strawberries and cupcakes (a big thank you to Alyssa for bringing the cupcakes).

Photo booth is a must when it comes to these kind of gatherings! I also took some photos with the Fujifilm Instax Mini, must scan those soon! All in all, it was a lovely evening with friends and food and fun. Thank you all for joining me in this celebration of life and inspiration! I just wish I had a bigger apartment, my room can only accommodate so many people and some people couldn't sit! I apologize! Also, I got my bangs cut à la Amélie Poulain on Valentine's Day. So goodbye Louise Brooks and bonjour Amélie Poulain! Practicing my Amélie smile for a fun project... more on that later!

amélie poulain
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Roses are Red, Violets are Blue... F*ck You, Whore.

Monday, February 14, 2011

2 comments:
roses are red
photographed by: caro ramirez (website | blog | flickr); floral ephemera and valentine ephemera courtesy of pugly pixel

Why are men in movies always hyper idealized and romanticized? I hate to be cynical on the most romantic day of the year, but it really bothers me. It seems like the women in movies are the real bitches when it comes to love and romance. Excuse the language. Maybe it's true that men are more straightforward thinking and women are more fickle and don't know what they want. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. Please note I am generalizing, but I've learned that men are just as fickle, uncertain and confused. I hear guys saying that girls are complicated and confusing, maybe that's true, maybe women are more cautious with their decisions and we're complex, but I've always known. When I know something and want something, I'm decided (with a few exceptions). But in movies, men know exactly what they want and hey according to Justin Long in He's Just Not That Into You: "So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions." and "If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you." and "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what." Thanks Justin Long, I finally get it. No wait, Jack Berger in Sex and the City said that first.

I think even in this modern day and age, we still hope that chivalry and romance are still alive. And that Prince Charming is out there to rescue us and then present us with a beautiful diamond ring and then we'd ride into the sunset and live happily ever after! Okay, growing up as a child and watching too much Disney and anime and listening to love songs, I seriously thought I would meet my Prince Charming and fall in love. But now I'm 22 and I feel trapped. A part of me still wants to believe in love, romance and chivalry and the other part of me just doesn't want it at all. The thing is I know that chivalry and romance still exist, I saw it all over people's blogs today and it really warmed my heart. It does give me hope and trust me, I won't stop believing.

I was watching Moulin Rouge and it reminded me how much I want to love someone and be loved in return. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." I mean I do believe it: Life without love, that's... terrible... Love is like oxygen! Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love! And listening to Your Song and Come What May just makes me want to sing at the top of my lungs.

My gift is my song and this one's for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Back to the hyper idealization of men in movies. Back in the summer of 2008, I saw Made of Honor and it really made me realize how unrealistically men are portrayed in romantic comedies. Fine, I get it, romantic comedies are for entertainment, they're feelgood movies for that romantic first date. But seriously, a few months later or maybe two years down the line, that person will rip your heart out and trample all over it. Cough cough. I digress. No I'm not talking about any specific person, I mean relationships and love in general. All, or at least, most romantic comedies have a happy ending, I mean happy endings sell tickets. But at the end of these movies, I seriously feel a great sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction. That's why tonight, I'm going on a romantic date with Shy and Caro to see Blue Valentine. I think any movie about tumultuous relationships makes me more realistic about love every day. I'm not a cynic, I'm just a realist.

Please, please, please don't get me wrong, I'm a huge hopeless romantic. I'm either a realist trapped in the body of an idealist or an idealist trapped inside the body of a realist. Either way, I feel trapped. I think movies like Annie Hall and (500) Days of Summer have made me realize that some relationships are not permanent. Especially when divorce rates are so high in the U.S., the thought of marriage scares me. The concept and sanctity of marriage have been abused, it just seems like getting married seems pointless. I know a lot of girls on the blogosphere are married and trust me, I have so much admiration for you. With all the abuse of marriage, there are still things that remind me that love is beautiful and I am so grateful for that.

Originally, I had plans to do a Valentine's themed photo and video shoot at the Rose Garden at Golden Gate Park, but it started to rain, so this shoot has been postponed. It's going to rain all week! I hope the warm weather returns soon. I hope I don't sound too bitter, I'm just being humorous. Despite everything, I'm really just an optimistic realist. I love love, I just hope love will love me back sometime... soon. Happiness is a choice and I choose happiness, whether I'm in love or not.

To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

And Happy Valentine's Day! xoxo


roses are red