Sunday, September 6, 2015

Today was like any other day, except it wasn't. She had only slept for four hours and this time, it didn't feel quite right. Her eyes opened to the sound of absolute silence. She was awake an hour before her alarm was due to go off. She laid there with her eyes open, chanting to herself, "I'm alive, thank you, I'm alive. Thank you universe." It felt like any regular day, she felt awake, yet she felt restless and weighted by the lack of sleep. Maybe it was insomnia, maybe it was exhaustion, but something was brewing under the surface. She had yet to know. The future was imminent. Like every day, the future was just in front of her.

She had experienced delirium. She had experienced insomnia. She had experienced exhaustion, but this felt... different. She refocused her attention to other thoughts: joy, happiness, gratitude, positive emotions. How could she not feel happiness or gratitude? She was alive, she could see, hear, speak, she had functioning limbs, a beating heart. She lives here and she was surrounded by beauty, but her mind was preoccupied... with a plague. The fear of death was looming. The fear started to develop, build, and morph into an ugly monster. It was overtaking all her senses. Her physical senses weren't failing her, but the physical body felt like it was shutting down. Stiff neck, lump in the throat, muscle ache, fatigue, migraine, pins and needles.

These symptoms weren't promising. She was paralyzed. How fast does a disease act? How fast does the fear of death consume your mind? It was fast. These symptoms came out of nowhere and suddenly, it was all she could think of. Are these symptoms a sign that her life was about to end. Why was she feeling all these physical symptoms? Are they real? Was she just imagining them? What was happening to her on a cellular level? How was she meant to navigate these thoughts? A million thoughts entered her mind.

Imagining what her next step was to be, she thought to herself, "This could be it. It's about to be over. When will I have my chance to tell you that I love you, I'm proud of you, I want you to be happy and live life to the fullest, because someday you'll be here, where I am right now and you won't want to waste another moment thinking about anything else but gratitude for your life." It was the most calming and chaotic moment of her life. She felt euphoria. She felt like she could release herself and let everything go.

But she wasn't ready to let go. So she fought it. She fought it with all her strength and might to crush this monster. This monstrous power was haunting and forceful, but she had no other choice. She found the strength within herself to put it to rest. How are you meant to fight the fear of death, when death feels like it's pointing right at you, ready to drag you away? She looked at it straight in the eye and said, "I'm not ready. I won't be ready until I have given myself and all of myself back to this universe. You will not take me away."

Slowly, her eyes fluttered open. She found herself in the same place. In the same place, but different. The air was lighter and purer. She could breathe again. There was no lump in her throat, no stiff neck, She felt bliss. She was overcome with tears of joy and sadness. The tears kept flowing copiously. The words of fear and joy kept flowing out of her mouth uncontrollably. "I thought I was going to die. I thought my life was going to end. It was completely irrational, but I thought I was going to die." In response, she was met with a disembodied voice, "You can't go yet. You have a huge list to accomplish and many to inspire to help us make this world more loving and caring."

This voice was right. She knew she trusted this voice with all her heart and being. She thanked the voice. It was the universe speaking to her. She was ready to live.