(existing’s tricky:but to live’s a gift)

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

the trick of finding what you didn’t lose
(existing’s tricky:but to live’s a gift)
the teachable imposture of always
arriving at the place you never left 
(and i refer to thinking)rests upon
a dismal misconception;namely that
some neither ape nor angel called a man
is measured by his quote eye cue unquote. 
Much better than which,every woman who’s
(despite the ultramachinations of
some loveless infraworld)a woman knows;
and certain men quite possibly may have 
shal we say guessed?”we shall” quoth gifted she:
and played the hostess to my morethanme

the trick of finding what you didn’t lose by e. e. cummings 

June 10th marks my four year anniversary with New York City.

I am amazed that I've been in New York for four years now. I remember the bittersweet feeling when taking off from SFO and listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver. I was leaving a piece of my heart, I was scared and nervous, but ready for the next chapter of my life. As the plane flew over Manhattan, my heart was racing with excitement. It was such a stunning sight. The city was glowing. How is it possible that four years have gone by already?

When an anniversary comes around, it's time for reflection and contemplation. What have I done/seen/achieved/tried/explored? In the last four years, I've lived in Flushing, Greenpoint, Williamsburg, Chinatown, Midtown West and Williamsburg again. I'm so thankful that I settled in Williamsburg eventually and it's been two years since I've lived here. It feels so comforting to have a home and I'm eternally grateful. It's important to have a safe haven, where you can focus on yourself and work on projects.

I've experienced ups and downs: creatively and emotionally. It's a constant struggle to find myself. Being me is a 24 hour job. I'm always learning about myself and trying to be the best me. Sometimes I lose sight of who I am and I feel lost and disconnected to the world. That's the feeling that haunts me. I have my bouts of anhedonia when I cannot enjoy anything or feel anything. I would feel numb and creatively and emotionally paralyzed. Over these years, I've learned to embrace the ups and downs and really cherish when I'm feeling creatively and emotionally fulfilled, because life is in motion. I cannot rush it, I cannot slow it down, so I'm on the path to understand my existence and appreciate life. Existing's tricky, but to live's a gift.

Thank you New York. Thank you universe for the memories and adventures. happythankyoumoreplease.